changes

Things can change for better or worse & our well being changes also

I'm super scared. I really am looking forward to all of these things, but I feel so anxious.
I'm basically going to move out (student dormitory, only at home on holidays) and I'm going to visit a new school (that's the reason I'm moving). That means:
-I will have more dance classes with completly new dance teachers in new studios with new dance classmates
-new schoolbuilding&rooms
-new teachers
-new classmates
-new living place
-new living area
-new town
-new people everywhere
-new town
-new responsibilities, like beeing completly alone responsible for cleaning, feeding myself, doing the groceries, financial organisation, ...
-working for my mental wellbeing (starting therapy for the first time)
And I don't like changes. Some people maybe wouldn't believe this because I'm very flexible. But I'm still really not into the idea of changes (this confuses myself).
Some of those changes are great, for example it means a way less stimulating environment (small town instead of a big city). But it still means new enviroment. I'm also super scared of failing. I could just... not living up to the expectations of
... somebody, I guess? I don't even know, I mean, they could be just my own expectations but I don't think that I have high expectations onto myself. Or do I?
Ahhhh
#expectations #movingout #changes #anxious #SelfDoubt #overwhelmed

I might be over thinking this, but something inside of me is not in agreeing with what I see on the outside. Yesterday, I woke up from one of my dreams about my family that usually give me anxiety, and I leave my room to see my mom, brother, and her husband in the living room laughing and talking like normal. On the inside, it was unsettling because this is what happens every time he apologizes: we become this “one big happy family” because he says that he is going to make changes. He and my mom are a loving couple again, and all the while, the time bomb is ticking. He’ll eventually starts giving the bare minimum, then eventually he gives nothing. Then my mom gets upset all over again because she’s the one trying to make things work and it ends with this whole mess that we just had a few weeks ago. They’ll have this serious conversation, he’ll apologize and… the cycle continues. My brother asks me if he invited me to go to this family funday event that his job is giving which sets off more alarms for me. I gave a flat no the first time because to me this is a bit fast for some who still doesn’t really talk to me regularly. And not just that, his coworkers and probably his bosses will be there and this would be his opportunity to show that he has a happy family. I used to go along with these things in the past because:1, I wanted to please my mom, and 2, I didn’t want to rock the boat to protect the family image. I genuinely feel that I can’t do that anymore. I’ve faked a lot of those happy moments just to get by. On top of that, if he really wanted to work on his relationship with me, he has to do that without the eyes of other people. I don’t want to contribute to this cycle anymore, there has to be some for sure changes, if he means that he is really going to change this time. I don’t know if I’ve become the black sheep or cycle breaker, and I’m not out to unforgiving or hard, but in order for this to be a real family, there has to be a break in this. And I’m willing to do my part to help in this, but if I got to be the different one here, then I will. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #changes

My awareness of the people around me is beginning to feel intense. I’ve noticed the changes between me and others more than before and I feel lonely more so then times before. I’m wondering what exactly is wrong with me… am I too intense of a person? Am I too much to handle? Am I not enough? Am I severely lacking what other women have? I feel that I have so much to prove, and at the same time, I know that I don’t. I know everyone says that everyone’s journey is different, and I don’t mind all of the dips, curves, and detours, but it feels like I’ve been wandering in the same valley for the past year. Everything is changing, so am I. I’m finding that certain things don’t really interest me anymore. I’m not scrolling through instagram as much (or at all). I’ve given up on waiting for people to come back to me, and I want new people in my life. All of this feels really painful for me to the point where I’m both angry and saddened. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #changes #MyJourney

I live in the state of Michigan, where covid regulations have basically been lifted. I'm fully vaccinated, and I'm excited to see things coming back to normal in a sense. Amid all of this excitement and ability to safely go out and see friends and family, I didn't expect something else to creep up on me; my anxiety.

I have a history with my personal anxiety, specifically displaying itself before and during performances (I'm a music major), or times of stress. Before covid, I thrived and loved to be around people, in busy places, and surrounded by excitement. I didn't expect a quality I love so much about myself to change.

Today, I traveled to see my mother, who was visiting the state after moving to Pennsylvania. We went to a lovely restaurant, and I was so excited to see my mother, step-father, and two brothers. Everything was great, until I could start to feel that little bit of anxiety in my stomach start to kick in. I've never felt anxiety in such a public space before. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom for over 30 minutes having a panic attack.

I found myself to be so incredibly frustrated. Why should a nice time with my family, doing something fun and something we're allowed to do cause me to panic? As I was driving home (after taking ample time to calm down before driving) I came to realize that what I feared was true. Being in open spaces, seeing people start to do more normal activities was subconsciously bugging me. Interacting with strangers and servers who I can't guarantee are vaccinated gets to me. In a nutshell, it all feels wrong.

I felt sad that I felt like one of my joys in life has become anxiety inducing. But, as I've been writing this, I've realized I have to be patient with myself. Yes, things are starting to come back to normal. But I'm not, and that's okay. It might take me some time to find my joy of interacting and being around other people in busy spaces, or it might not come back at all.

I want to figure out ways to help myself feel I can return to my 'normal' in some kinda way. I wanna figure out ways to go easy on myself if that doesn't come quickly or easily. I'm ready to start some discovery, all to better myself. #Anxiety #collegestudent #postcovid #changes

Has anyone had to change health providers, like a therapist because of a sudden change in health insurance and certain coverages? Unfortunately #Medicare has to be my primary insurance now,even though I have MA too thru social service’s that’s closest to me. It’s been really hard on me since I found this out the beginning of this year and it’s my first change I’ve had to do because of it.😞
#Depression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Autism