1. I’m standing in my elementary school bathroom,
Staring into the mirror;
When I first become
unrecognizable.
2. Seated in the waiting room of a Boston law office,
My father in a meeting,
I stare at a large landscape painting on the wall.
Suddenly I’m falling
through the frame.
I’m twelve.
3. It’s summertime in the Hamptons.
I go to kiss my father goodnight
But I don’t recognize his face —
features distorted and grotesque.
I say nothing, ruminate in bed.
I’m thirteen.
4. I’m age nineteen-almost-twenty,
Recently released from the psychiatric ward,
Out to dinner with friends.
Their voices are far away and echoing,
Then much too loud.
Something is wrong,
Something is wrong,
I have to go home —
Dad says, You’re okay, it was a panic attack.
Go lie down.
5. I’m twenty, sitting on the floor of the family room,
Trying to feel my face —
I can’t feel my face.
I’m touching it, pinching it, but
I can’t feel my hands on my face.
Can I feel my legs?
A little bit.
Something is wrong.
Something is very wrong.
The clock reads 3am when I call my psychiatrist’s emergency line.
You’re in luck, he tells me.
You’re already taking the medication used to treat this —
It’s called depersonalization —
Take extra tonight and call me in the morning.
It should help immediately.
It does.
6. I’m 30-something.
Life is a series of Polaroids,
A glitchy stop motion film,
Sound as if from far away.
Walking the dog,
I fear I’ll fall through
The sidewalk.
I trip over cracks, the world spins faster—-
Where in space is my body?
Where are my feet?
#Dissociation #Depersonalization #Derealization #CPTSD #Anxiety #Trauma #creativewriting
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