hopeless

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Tick tock, tick tock❗️ # anxiety#darkness #hopeless

The past few days have been good, not awesome but stable enough, I got my first 8hr continuous sleep in months. I have managed to catch some breath. At some point I was convinced that somehow I had managed to get a brief glimpse of the light in my life. No significant milestones to celebrate but at least nothing was burning, so far. But I realised that I don’t know how to take in these moments of stability, it always feels like a ticking time bomb waiting to burn me to ashes, this makes me even more anxious. Could it be that I’m built to thrive in chaos because my chaos seems better than this false sense of stability. I seek freedom from my anxiety, I pray for stability, but when I get it, tick tock , tick tock, whilst I wait for my world to fall apart.That’s even scarier , I tell myself be careful what you wish for my girl. At this point I want to run to my love and tell him to protect me from the monsters in my head, but what if the monsters scare him further away from me,I am my own worst enemy. I want to run to my angels , but until when will they still stand for me, at what point do I cease to be worthy ,how long will they understand me and fight for me, don’t they have their own demons to fight. Maybe I could run to the bottle, just one glass to numb it all up, but I know that’s the devil in colour to lead me to my grave, I fight the strong urge to hide behind a glass, I really want to be better. So I stay in my silence and hope that God really is watching for me. One day I will be able to walk out of this darkness full of life and colour. For now I find comfort in my words and hope someone somewhere out there gets me. Tick Tock I wait in my silent darkness.

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Ironically no deep breathing is helping

I’ve been trying deep breathing for non-stop chest tightness the past 2 weeks severe anxiety that I haven’t felt for such a long period and bodily sensations before, but I got more panicky when I tried breathing techniques and nothing would help how it usually would, I think ironically at the moment just not doing it at all might be helping more. Instead of being frustrated and panicked feeling hopeless it’s not working. #Breathing #panic #hopeless #body #symptoms #shortnessofbreath #chesttightness #ChestPain #past2weeks

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Is this the life I have to look forward to? #hopeless #lonely #despair

Why is it that everytime I meet someone I really like, I feel the need to be around them all the time? I can not just be still with myself come nighttime. I worry and panic as to why I haven’t heard from them and ultimately I’m sure I’ll push this person away too like the rest. It gives me such a deep feeling of loneliness that I nearly exhaust myself from crying on a daily basis. I think to myself that being alone is just my future and that no one deserves to have to deal with me and my issues. I’m better off just not involving anyone else. But even that thought makes me cry. I can’t stand this cycle I have created for myself but wonder if this is just the way my life is going to be and I need to accept it.

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TW hopeless, exclusionism, swearing, vent

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless

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Enough

Cornered. Hopeless. BPD has ruled and ruined any chance at life for me. My dad was an undiagnosed Borderline. I was his rage’s favorite target. My earliest memory is age 3 hiding in a closet as he rampaged so he wouldn’t find me. He did. My inheritance was an even worse case of BPD along with major depression and extreme anxiety.

I’ve been on every iteration of every psych drug since 1964. I’ve tried brain wave therapy, bio-feedback, DBT, CBT, two rounds of infusion Ketamine and TMS and I’ve been hospitalized. Nothing even dents this. The pain. The cycles of self harm. The suicidal ideation. The vibrating anxiety- racing heart - unable to catch my breath. The trembling. The psychic pain which leaves me curled under a blanket because light, sound, touch, it’s all too much.

My wife of almost 24 years has had enough. I don’t blame her. I’ve been unable to work for 23 years because of this disease and a buffet of physical illnesses. The entire burden of our finances sits with her. It’s so unfair. When we first married I was able to hold a job. That didn’t last. I’m terrified of her leaving - yet I can’t say I’d do different if our places were reversed.

My anger terrifies her, though the only person I’ve ever injured is me. My desperate crying when I dissolve into the world of my past abuse has exhausted her. She’s at her end and I don’t blame her having lived the other side because of my father.

Now I’ve been told I’m going both blind and deaf at the same time. Macular Degeneration and hearing nerve damage which hearing aids won’t help. I’m almost 70. I’m tired of fighting so many battles I’ve never had any chance to win.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #hopeless #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain #UlcerativeColitis #ChronicObstructivePulmonaryDisease #Blindness #Deafness #Abuse #PTSD

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Every Despondent Day

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. The kind where no matter what people say, look, do cheering up is just not happening. Short of someone telling me, I won the lottery. My total take home amount after taxes is 1 billion dollars, yeah, cheering up is not in the cards. I am not sure how many others are out there who have these days. These days you feel trapped. Since my divorce, I have no car, and no official income. I live with my retired parents and unemployed brother.(I am not sure why he doesn't even try to get a job but I am sure something is wrong with his spirit. He has mental issues of his own too. So, I try to cut him some slack.) I've been applying for menial jobs just to have some stream of income, with absolutely no success. Sure, I am halfway through a data analytics course. I have been working on this for 3 months. However, that brings in no income. On days like this I feel like I have climbed halfway up the depression hole, only to discover I am still at the bottom. All of the climbing you did yesterday was around the hole, not upwards. Also, by the way, the hole gets deeper every day. On days like this, my 100 square foot room feels like a glorified prison. I know I need to cry. I know I feel like this because I am exhausted and weary of the daily wear and tear life puts on us but there is no way to activate the catharsis because I officially have no one who "gets it". I have no one who gets me. I just want someone to give me a call, tell me, "Let's go have some fun. Don't worry I will pay." I want to get you out of the house. I want to get you away from the oppressive life you live with older Christian puritanical judgmental parents and family on watch, an annoying brother who will not get off the couch and bleeding clipped wings that long to escape this mind and body. Yeah, it's one of those days you have to wait it out.

#Depression #depressed #lonely #hopeless #MentalHealth #exhausted #weary #stuck #prison #catharsis #Isolation #Judgement #Escape #Needabreak #Fun #betterdays #Divorced #single #unemployed #noincome #livingwithparents #careerchange #financialstress#waitingforbetterdays

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52 reactions 18 comments
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#Depression #Anxiety #hopeless #

Feeling all kinds of feelings at the moment. Worthless, tired , I have no motivation, no energy, and the list goes on and on.

23 reactions 8 comments
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I give up😒 #FeelingUsed #Heartbroken #wastedtime #betrayed #sad # Gutted #hopeless

So it finally just hit me like a tonne of bricks and has suck I’m that I will NEVER BE HIS PRIORITY!
His cars and every other cunt out there are his priorities. I’ve been by his side for 30 fucking years and I still can’t be said to be a priority.
He can plan a weekend away (and take annual leave) in the drop of a hat but can’t organise or get leave to take me on a fucking weekend away. NEVER EVER EVER🤬😭😭
I’ve just realised that it’s never gonna change so why the fuck I even here?! I don’t want my kids having a broken home. I love him so so fucking much!😭😭
WHY THE FUCK CANT I BE HIS PRIORITY!!!! God damn even just one time. We’ve been one time and only bc I PAID FOR IT ALL!!
He only agreed to come bc I told him I’d go without him. Basically he went out of obligation….not bc he wanted to be with me. Fuck I just want a few days; is that too much to fucking ask😩😭.
He’s left me behind all these years and goes and does whatever the fuck he wants but can’t commit to a few days away with me….ME the stupid cunt that’s had his back and loved, cared and looked after him for all these years. Now the kids are grown id always thought that this was when I’d get MY TIME with HIM!
I’ve literally waited all these years believing that when the kids were grown I’d finally have my time with him. Well it turns out I’m just a dumb cunt bc I’ve been waiting for absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.
I literally can’t put into words how sad this has made me and honestly if it’s not gonna happen now then I need to have a serious think about a lot of things. I’m so fucking hurt I feel destroyed and hopeless.
I’m fucking heartbroken

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No feelings left

12 years of marriage, 5years of relationship in total have known this person for whole of 17 years. And myself for 33 years now. And i feel I don't know muself. I'm so broken and hurt he's made me so lonely. And so torn inside. No trust no love. All compromises. And. Hoplessness. I feel so disgusted of myself. I have 3 beautiful kids last one is a 50days old baby. She was unplanned angel. Came into our life maybe for a reason. U have started to realise who's true and who's not after being mother for 3 rd time realising who's faking love 😣 I'm so hurt inside I have no one to express my feelings with. . So so lonely and depressed sometimes just wana end this life or run of somewhere where no one knows anything of me. 😭 then I think of my little ones ns pause and turn back around to this life full off depression and pain. 😢😢😢😢😢#helplesss #hopeless #lonely #Depression #Anxiety

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#Sorry I have been away a few days. Here is my new #Furbaby !!!!

I felt it was best to refrain from posting these past few days. I was very #sad , #confused , & #hopeless due to my heartwrenching experience at the shelter I went about a week ago. I was even #Feeling like there might very well be a #Curse on me & my life. I pretty much believed that any & every thing I might & would do or try to do, was destined to be #tradgedy & cause me more #Heartache . To put it honestly, day to day was kinda "touch-and-go" moreso than ever. Recently, it came to a head, and I honestly felt that i had no idea if I'd be around to see the next day. But today, I brought home a new #Cat . He was the best cat there at PSPCA. (Pennsylvania SPCA. ) health-wise, age-wise, & he is calm with a #wonderful temperament. He is asleep on the couch with me right now. I like it at cold temps, but I not want him to get sick. He doesn't (yet) seem to feel ok about having a blanket over him, for warmth, but then again, he is just getting to know & has to have a bit of time to learn he can #Trust me. Anyways, I am keeping my leg against him for him to have my body warmth. I am SO pleased the way the day turned out. Had some very rough spots there, but it ended up not getting the best of the situation#. I have my baby! His name is what I consider extremely anti - #Christian . I don't even like to say or write it. I have been calling him "Baby" when I talk to or call for him. Still, I'm taking my time about giving him his permanent official name !!!