Spiraling Thoughts: A Week in my Brain
I had my first major panic attack related to health anxiety for the first time in months. After I finally managed to calm down, I wrote this out to basically jot down what is going through my brain when I have a panic attack, and a back to back one none the less.
I am still learning how to cope,
I am still learning to just be,
I am still learning how to take care of myself,
And I am still learning that it is okay to still be learning.
Every time that I manage to say “I am so happy where I am right now,” my anxiety has to run in to tear it down. It clings to something and makes it so real in my brain that I begin to believe it. I begin to believe I’m really sick. I begin to believe I should have gotten that blood work done because maybe something is wrong with me that I don’t know about yet. Any small change in my normal routine sends me into a full blown panic. I begin to get OCD about it. How many times did I use the restroom? What did I eat today? Have I lost weight? Have I gained weight?
My heart is racing. My mind can only focus on, “Are you sick? Are you going to throw up? You’re scared to do that. Don’t let that happen!” I panic when one little thing hurts or if I have a change in bathroom habits. Then, because I am so good at being anxious and latching onto a thought that I logically know does not exist, I spiral. And then I become anxious that I’m anxious. It seems like a never ending cycle sometimes.
Is something physically going on with my brain?
No, but something chemically is.
But, that isn’t an excuse. I should suck it up and do what I need to do.
No, sweetie. Just because this illness does not manifest itself as other illnesses do, it doesn’t make it any less real.
And as I go through this, and I go in circles, suddenly I start my period. I kid you not. I spend a whole week an anxious mess. I can’t sleep, I’m either pissed off or upset. The thought of going out in public is even more anxiety inducing. And most of the time, once my period starts, everything is fine. I settle down, I feel better except for some cramps and being completely exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel like I sleep the first three days of my period.
It is a rollercoaster of emotion sometimes, and I’m finding ways to cope. Finding ways to just be, and remind myself this happens. And when it happens, I can find ways to cope, breathe, and reassure myself that I am safe and I am healthy.
#PMDD #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Hypochondria