mixed state

This is the only place I can “brag” about being nr 1 at something( other than hospital visits )without feeling guilty….
The results of last fiscal year’s performance evaluation came out today. .
Guys, 2021 was the hardest year so far health wise . Manic episodes with pretty bad psychosis, hardcore depression... Struggled with eeeervything.
Put an end to my toxic relationship, pushed everyone away , isolated myself… Lost friends, Confidence, self love, … lost myself .Probably went to work for like 60% of the year .

Still, I didn’t give up. I made those 60% count. And they did. I work in tech and today …. Today i found out I ranked in 1st place in my business unit. Probably nothing special for my colleagues, but for me, after everything, feels like a miracle. …. Im so happy i might cry 🥹🥹🥹

Today I dont live with Bipolar.
Today I thrive with it. 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
Bipolar and proud
.

#TheMighty #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #MixedState #MixedMania #manicdepression #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #PTSD #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Depression

themighty.com/content/62388319ba8581003b5b1ed1

#BipolarDisorder #manicdepression
#MixedState #mixedepisode #DysphoricMania #BipolarDepression

Its so weird how, For example , in the middle of a conversation I realize im starting to take things veeeery personally, Things i normally wouldnt. I have to stop the other person and literally say: “ok,lets come back to this later, what you re saying and what im hearing are different things” . Manic depressive episodes scare the hell out of me… When my mood is crashing, the emptiness is so so so harsh I dont even want to get back to “normal” because i think normal is useless, not worth the trouble. I dont wanna bother people because im always afraid they ll think i just want attention. Last time my sister told me i kept repeating “even when im doing my best im not enough” and that lasted for 5 days after a webinar that didnt go as i hoped. Im not new to mistakes. I normally see them as lessons and a chance to do better.. but when im down.. uff. Im so afraid of what i might do to end the hopelessness : (
#BipolarDisorder #Mania #MixedEpisodes #MixedState #MentalHealth #PTSD

Reached the stage I have been desperately trying not to😔. For the first time in my life I have actually asked for help, and accepted I need it.
Another 1st for me I am begging for medication. This alone should be a major red flag on its own.
Yes I understand my situation is very difficult and complex and requires careful steps to be taken.
But doing nothing and leaving me hanging is surely a recipe for disaster.
Considering my medical record displays a large Bold Print Red in Colour Title of CAUTION above my name and details, I am considered unstable and a potentially high risk to society. Current events are hard to understand!
If I have ever failed to respond to services, missed an appointment, failed to collect medication etc Which I must admit is basically all the time. I really am my own worst enemy and a difficult patient.
Even after 24hrs AWOL n usually totally unnecessary services normally appoint armed response services to locate me. Ruins Lifes!
However now when I am begging for help and in an emergency situation. No support with my husband n prison, no other family or friends to help. Those I have r n hospital, sick, or in anutha country right now. I am becoming a risk to my son. Unmedicated and physically incapable. No1 will help.
I have called my new mental health team, crisis teams, GPs, consultants and the most helpful information I have been given was to call a family member to come help. Even after stipulating I have no 1 to help me. I have been told some1 would call back however they offices closed hours ago.
My impulsive thoughts are deafening. N my empty room is becoming increasingly crowded and noisy with people I have learned to understand are not real but in my head. tonight though there bothering me. 😔.
Starting to believe my thoughts, I think the only way out now is giving into the darkness and let Luci handle things from here. Shes ready but weneva shes been in charge b4 life has been destroyed and bad things happen.
Put your bets in peepo!
Psychological Emergency, Massive Heart Attack or anutha seizure! Maybe if am lucky all 3!

I looked at a box of caffeine pills today and it said not to use it if you're on lithium. I'm pretty deep into my caffeine addiction currently so it has me digging. Then as I read about that Advil and Aleve came up as well. I'm really curious to see what ya'lls experience has been! #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #PsychiatricMedication #Education #MightyTogether #Depression #Mania #Hypomania #MixedState #Foodforthought

#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #MixedState #mixedepisode #Insomnia #obsessivethoughts #obsessive #Earworm #exhaustion