Nightmares

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression

I feel like I fake and/or exaggerate my trauma, even though I have nightmares, intrusive thoughts, can't have any kind of relationship because of it, can't sleep, I have paranoia and mistrust people, anxiety, anger, dissociation,

etc. I'm just tired of having symptoms but still telling myself that I'm faking all of it and that it never happened in the first place.#PTSD

I feel like trashing the place. Like verbally lashing out and hurting loved ones. I want revenge. I want justice. I feel hot. I feel rage bubbling inside me. I am exhausted as I have been awake 4 hours since the nightmare. I want to go back in time and change things. I want to self harm. I want to scream. I am feeling soooooo angry after having a dream. I want to cry. I hate feeling angry. I don't want to feel anymore. How do I get back to being comfortably numb? I need more sleep to be able to function as a human today but that dream made me so angry. I don't even remember specifics of the dream just the general situations of the traumatic experiences. Just the place and the people. And it isn't all justified anger. Alot IS justified anger. I think my biggest anger is I couldn't and can't do anything to stop them doing the same again to other vulnerable people. Even the media who tore them to shreds weren't able to stop it. Too cleverly held standing by the protection of lies and religion. I wish I could get away from the longing to go back and make it work. 15 years later the rejection and the pain feels no less painful. But the nightmares had faded. Tonight's dreams shook me up. Why would my brain bring back all these feelings for me again when they'd been safely stored away through therapy. It's all cycling around again. I hate this feeling. Anger. Naming it. I feel angry. Now what?

I constantly blame myself for other people's actions and problems sadly

Even though that's out of my control

Just I be paranoid about What Strangers Think about me

diagnosed with Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder bipolar disorder

and Generalized Anxiety disorder and panic disorder and PTSD

Not Paranoid like Having Delusions or something

But Paranoid About What people Think about me.

Like I Rarely leave my house. Because of my anxiety and stuff As usual

Not going to go in detail about Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and social anxiety and etc

But the times I do leave my house I be so exhausted

But I be thinking my neighbors when they see me are mad at me or something

Like when I hear them slam the door or something

I be thinking I did something wrong to make them slam the door

Like I literally tip toe around my home because I be scared I'm being kinda loud

Even though my house is very quiet

I don't even have people over my house

Since I don't have friends and I don't leave my house which is my fault

But I literally tip toe

I'm 6'2" 225lbs but Im a bigger guy

But I literally tip toe because I just be paranoid

About my neighbors

Even though that drives me nuts with so much worrying

Like I Have a next door neighbor that plays music loud on weekends sometimes to 1 2 3 4 am sometimes

I don't personally have a problem with him playing music though

That's what works for him

Even though majority of the time I listen to music on my Noise Cancelling Headphones.

But I be thinking my neighbors are mad at me or think I'm playing that loud music

Which I'm not personally. Majority of the time I listen on my headphones which sounds like a sound system

That My Dad used to have in the trunk of his car with the DJ speakers in the trunk

Like it be so loud the car starts rattling a little.

But since I have a hard time leaving my house

I don't really go anywhere outside of food or bills or pharmacy or physical appointments

Which gets tiring and stupid but my body reacts all the time

Plus the medicine I take makes me sleepy during the day

Like If I wake up early I still feel constantly tired and end up going back to sleep

Sometimes 10 + hours which throws off my natural sleep pattern

Since the medicine helps a lot but that side effect of tiredness

Regardless of how early I take it.

But since I only be at home

I can't go to in public but private chain commercial gyms

Since it's full of people and I had a few panic attacks

And never could get a workout in so I wasted money

On a membership and I never used the gym properly the way I want

So I'm my anxiety and my brain just reacts in front of people

Headaches and temporary blurry vision and all kinds of weird symptoms

So I had to get gym equipment to workout at home

Which has been so helpful for me

Which workout at home if the medicine doesn't mess up my schedule

Since it messes up my workout schedule

Because it makes me so tired

Since due to my Agoraphobia I only workout at home

Due to my Agoraphobia and anxiety etc not leaving my house

Which causes me not to be active even though I'm a naturally active person

But anxiety is so detrimental to me physically

I was at risk of Type 2 Diabetes

since it runs in my family as a African American Male in His Late 20s Early 30s

I was at Prediabetic Range when I got blood work done

So I wasn't working out then

But I used to workout at home growing up since I had weightlifting equipment

But lost my weights in storage when my Stepdad passed away in 2015 which since I couldn't leave my house

Caused me to not be as active

Which In turn since I can't afford the best diet as well

Even though I want to eat better and I do try

Just healthy food is so expensive. When you have to consistently buy it

Especially when building muscle and stuff. Since muscle needs protein and calories naturally

Which I used to undereat throughout my 20s

Atleast protein wise.

But Working out At home

I be Very quiet working out since I live upstairs

And I have a silencing pad if I'm doing rows which I be so paranoid about me making noise

Even though I'm quiet.

I don't do deadlifts personally because it is awkward to me

But I do rows which helps my back

And I have a Silencing pad that silence all the noise

Even though I be very quiet working out

Even though my workouts last maybe at most 2 hours

But different exercises since your body can't handle doing the same exercises over and over again

Which I had to do at jobs lifting heavy loads of veggies and fruits and boxes constantly

Which I was very anxious and had blurred vision and all kinds of stuff

Panic symptoms as usual when I leave my house

And I was still trying to move those fruit barrels that at filled with water and fruits and veggies that spilled on the floor

From the work floor and having to dump that every 10 minutes

300 lb 400 lbs barrels with manual strength no pallet jack to dump it on a higher surface.

Since water 💦 is very heavy when it's compact in a tote or container with veggies and fruits

Which adds weight people don't realize how heavy that is.

Water is very heavy. And water is not compact like that it's very unstable compared to free weights.

Think of a water bed 🛏️ a water bed is heavier than the most heaviest mattress.

Water is different than air

Oxygen or air is not heavy a air mattress is very light

But water or a regular mattress is heavier

Which I had panic attacks on those jobs not going to go in detail about it

McDonald's and Warehouses and factories and goodwill and a few department stores

And adult beverage trucks I used to unload which with my anxiety

I also used to get flashbacks looking at alcohol or being around it.

But back to home workouts

Just I be scared my neighbors mad at me for working out

Even though I am very quiet and I don't work out at late at night or anything past 10 pm

Just I be anxious and thinking my neighbors mad at me even though they don't know me

Because I rarely leave my house like that

Which my neighbors kinda realized I don't leave my house Alot.

Some tried to ask me why I don't leave My house

But I was so anxious to tell them

The truth which is my anxiety and stuff.

But I just be paranoid

Because working out at home is a coping mechanism for me

I be so cautious I don't even make noise even during the day

I tip toe around my home

Which is probably weird

My neighbor's never told me they had a problem

But I guess me living with people in the past kinda give me bad memories

Of people slamming their doors because I had a hard time leaving my room

And stuff.

And I don't drink nor do drugs

Which not shaming nobody that does.

Just I have a long family history of substance abuse disorders

Especially Alcohol

So I got bad memories from family members that used to cause violent and still get nightmares about

So I found working out at home is a natural coping mechanism for my anxiety

Just I feel no anxiety after I workout

But it only lasts a hour before my anxiety comes back

But that hour after working out at home

It helps me feel so good and relaxing

Like my anxiety disappears pretty much

But after a hour slowly comes back.

But I understand some people drink and do drugs to cope with their stress or stuff

But for me personally since substance abuse strongly runs in my family

And left some bad memories

And I have a addictive personality

And sometimes substance abuse can be genetic

Since I have a family history of substance abuse disorders

Going back several generations

And I know if I try hard drugs or alcohol I might get hooked

Plus I had family members that organs like liver or kidneys and heart sadly was damaged or had health problems

And I don't want to deal with another issue on top of my anxiety and nightmares and stuff

Just working out helps and works for me

It's been really difficult to having to deal with nightmares for many years, it makes me feel desperate and I want to get rid of it, but don't know how.
I hope in the future they will finally disappear. #Nightmares #PTSD

Last night I didn't sleep until about 5 o'clock because of a trauma trigger around midnight. When I was finally able to sleep, I woke up from nightmares a few hours later. I hope I get through the day :/

Since the one year anniversary of the rape symptoms have been much worse again. And the abortion online test I did apparently now 12 months ago sent an email yesterday asking me to rate it. 😞
Like, dudes, that's quite a sensitive topic.

#CheckInWithMe #PTSD #PTSDSupportAndRecovery