nonverbal learning disability

#Autism #NonverbalLearningDisability #neurodivergent #Depression #Anxiety

I’m a 21 year old and I’m really sick of feeling beyond unlikable. I try so hard to be a great friend and I care so much for people yet I don't know anyone who cares about me and would notice if I were gone. Even on twitter, where there's people with similar interests, I can’t even manage to make any close friends. My birthday was last week and the people on there, who I thought I was closer to, didn't even bother to wish me a happy birthday even though I always give so much energy to people (I always care more about people than they ever do). And I had no close friends in real life to celebrate my birthday with that day. It just reminds me how pathetic and lonely and friendless I truly am. I was so sad and lonely and just wanted my birthday to be over. And even when I talk to people, and start to develop a friendship, they just eventually peter and they stop talking to me. Idk if it’s natural drifting apart or if I did something wrong. I always feel like I do everything wrong and that people find me annoying and don’t like me. It just seems like I’m incapable of establishing close friendships and that I’m not meant to have any. Even when I’m a part of a group chat, a meet up, a group of my coworkers all chatting, etc., it’s always like I don’t exist and basically a ghost and that I don’t truly belong. It seems like everyone’s friends with each other and I’m always on the outside looking in. A good portion of the time it doesn’t really bother me (since people are exhausting and I like being by myself a good amount of the time), but at other times it hurts so much and makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Am I that horrific, insufferable, unlovable, and insignificant??? and also maybe that I don’t deserve to have any for a/any close friend(s) who care about me and it’s too much to ask for any and that I should give up on ever having any close friendships-it's never going to happen.