SelfDoubt

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    Changes

    I'm super scared. I really am looking forward to all of these things, but I feel so anxious.
    I'm basically going to move out (student dormitory, only at home on holidays) and I'm going to visit a new school (that's the reason I'm moving). That means:
    -I will have more dance classes with completly new dance teachers in new studios with new dance classmates
    -new schoolbuilding&rooms
    -new teachers
    -new classmates
    -new living place
    -new living area
    -new town
    -new people everywhere
    -new town
    -new responsibilities, like beeing completly alone responsible for cleaning, feeding myself, doing the groceries, financial organisation, ...
    -working for my mental wellbeing (starting therapy for the first time)
    And I don't like changes. Some people maybe wouldn't believe this because I'm very flexible. But I'm still really not into the idea of changes (this confuses myself).
    Some of those changes are great, for example it means a way less stimulating environment (small town instead of a big city). But it still means new enviroment. I'm also super scared of failing. I could just... not living up to the expectations of
    ... somebody, I guess? I don't even know, I mean, they could be just my own expectations but I don't think that I have high expectations onto myself. Or do I?
    Ahhhh
    #expectations #movingout #changes #anxious #SelfDoubt #overwhelmed

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    I had a revelation tonight...but not a good one :( #Depression #Anxiety #SelfDoubt #Fear

    I have been going through a rough time in the past few weeks. My mind has been doing a wonderful job of attacking me and making me feel like I can't do anything worthwhile anymore. It's caused me to quit my job and I am looking for another one that I feel I can do better but my depression, anxiety and fear have me paralyzed. I am not getting out and looking for jobs or even putting in applications like I should be doing. There are plenty of jobs out there but my mind tells me it doesn't like them or I can't do them. Then it shows me examples from recent and past experiences to prove it is right. I try to fight it but it is really hard. But, this isn't the revelation that I had tonight.

    My mind seems to be most productive as I am settling in to go to bed. It is quiet and distractions are few. So, I am trying to fall asleep and I am thinking about how I recently lost interest in photography. I don't know why that thought popped into my head, but it did. A little background about me, I became interested in photography at around age 10. A few years later, in summer camp, I learned to develop B&W film and prints. I was hooked. I was amazed at watching the image appear on the paper in the developing trays.

    I continued learning through jr high and high school and then through college. I have an Associate of Arts Degree in Photography. I developed a talent and eye for composition. Everyone seemed to like my pictures. Except for school assignments, I chose the subjects that I liked to photograph. I was drawn to scenery, landscape and architecture. I have an analytical mind and it seemed easy for me to arrange the shapes, colors, patterns and textures into nice images. The ones that I liked, I made enlargements of and hung on my wall. I was happy. Until, my parents started to push me into making photography my career. I was happy making images for myself to enjoy. In a career, you have to make images others will pay you for. To make a long story short, I was never really able to make a career out of photography.

    Here is the revelation I had tonight. From a young age, I started to suppress my emotions. My father had an explosive, verbal temper. I vowed to never be like him, so I suppressed my anger and unknowingly my other emotions too. What I realized tonight is that my photography is also lacking emotion. When people look at it, it looks nice but there is no emotion response. They don't want to take it home and put it on their wall. And if you are an artist trying to live from proceeds from the art you created, if no one buys it, there is no income. My revelation is that my art, to the public, is nothing special.

    When I realized that, it really hit me hard because I always thought my art was special. In the mindset I am in right now, it is another serious blow to my esteem to lose something that has been part of you life for so long. I am really struggling with self esteem, self worth, confidence, purpose and belief. I really feel lost. I don't know who I am anymore or have a direction to go in.

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    Serious question and I need a serious answer

    This burning question is what actually brought me to join The Mighty today. The matter is over and done with but since my now former therapist has me questioning myself and my sanity, I can't stop agonizing over it and wondering if I was wrong. And I need to know where to go from here.

    Have I been operating under the misunderstanding that my therapist would be the logical place to expect to get a trusted referral for a psychiatrist? Is it normal to be told to consult the internet, a pair or dice, and the oracle instead? That's a minor exaggeration. When I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist I could be certain was reputable I was told instead to look at psychologytoday.com. I tried to tell them "google it" is NOT a referral. After the last several misadventures I didn't feel comfortable taking this approach anymore. I mean, the last one I saw had great reviews and when I checked the state board database he had no actions against him...yet. And then he abandoned his practice, left all his patients without access to their records, had his license revoked, and in my case something much much MUCH worse than all of that and made a hefty contribution to my PTSD.

    So was I wrong to think to ask my therapist for a referral and to get upset when they wouldn't? I was more than clear I was not comfortable just selecting a name off a list online. Or from a list of about 20-30 at a center/organization whose name they gave. I needed an actual name for a provider they trusted so that I could have a reasonable assurance I wasn't walking into something dangerous again. And were they wrong to tell me they would not schedule another appointment until I made an appointment with one which they would not help me find? And it's not like I was a new patient. I was being treated weekly by them for over a year and a half. It seemed like a pretty explicit declaration of intent to deny further care (since they made it contingent upon what I had just expressed I was struggling doing and was seeking help with) and thus terminating care. And without providing "services or assistance in making appropriate arrangements for the continuation of treatment"...which is the definition of patient abandonment I got from the American Counseling Association.

    I feel nuts and stupid asking this at all. It seems like such an obvious answer and I hate that I am in a place where I am doubting and questioning myself over something so foundational. But here I am. And I. Am. Angry. So when I finally manage to muster the courage to seek out another therapist, will it be unreasonable to request from them a trusted professional referral to a psychiatrist they know to be reputable? Tell me please, because I need to know what normal is.

    #Therapy #PTSD #Anxiety #anger #SelfDoubt #Gaslighting

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    ADHD, normal puberty or too much stress?

    I'm so confused at this point. I don't know, if my traits and symptoms come from undiagnosed ADHD, puberty or the years of too much stress. The thing is, stress won't get much better for the next 3 years because I'm going to move out to be able to dance more and still graduating school (I'm 16 yrs old). I'm book smart and never had issues with that, but I struggle with always coming late (poor understanding/sense of time...) forgetting that my friends and family existif don'tseeing them, sensory overload and hyperacusis, and putting away my technical devices (but I don't have any withdrawal-symptoms, so no phone/netflix/instagram/tiktok/Youtube addiction, I think it's more something about dopamine). Also setting priorities, making decisions, and a lot of oversharing. I get distracted by everything, constantly losing important stuff and throwing things on the floore by accidents, am still not able to eat/drink completly without spilling or making a mess, always assume that people are honest with me so usually don't get sarcasm right away, super empathetic and struggling to differentiate between my own and others feelings, I love stimming but it could be my body trying to release stress. I'm and always have been very hyperactive verbally and my mom wanted to send me to an therapist/coach when I was 8 yrs old because she got overwhelmed with my temper tantrums (or was I just confused by the loud, fast world?) but didn't.
    The stress I'm experiencing comes from dealing with school, perfectionism and intense ballet training since 5 years. The ballet-bubble has some very ugly sides.

    What if it turns out, that I'm just a typical teenager who is overwhelmed by everything(like the most)? Who has a lot of potential (A LOT) but got just so screwed by puberty and not having enough discipline to push trough it, that it get lost? I struggled with disordered eating (still, but it's getting better), self harm and bodydysmorphia. I'm super scared of hurting myself again because I know that I'm super capable of that.

    That question remains, puberty, ADHD or stress overwhelm? Or a combination?

    PS.: sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes, I'm not fluid in English.
    #confused #MightyQuestions #SelfDoubt #Neurodiversity #ADHD #Stress #Anxiety

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    See full photo

    I AM, and my truth is my truth whether anyone believes me or not. #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #HSP

    This is an ongoing challenge for me.

    It’s easy for others to say to just avoid those who use manipulation against you.

    Being raised by narcissists makes me so hyper vigilant to any kind of manipulation. I’m taking an effective communication course. I still feel like I need help to be able to communicate properly.

    It took me a few weeks into the 10 wk course to recognize I do not necessarily need too much help to communicate in general. In that I’m a decent communicator in day to day life in most situations.

    My issues seem to stem from being able to communicate effectively when I’m triggered. A few weeks ago the topic in the course was learning techniques to be assertive when there are manipulative communication patterns present. The 4 patterns that we given examples for was gaslighting, undermining credibility, dismissing and deflecting and moral attacking/victim playing.

    This material triggered me I recognize all of these intimately as they have been used on me from the day I was born. These are just some of the weapons narcissist use. They use words as weapons and the most insidious thing is others who witness a narcissist having a conversation with their real victim (not to confused with a person who plays at being a victim), won’t recognize the emotion abuse happening right in front of them.

    So for example I’m not only being gaslighted from the narcissist I’m also gaslighted by the witness. I’m told it’s my imagination that I was just dismissed, and completely disrespected. My perspective is immediately minimized and dismissed just because in the witnesses mind who only hears the words on the surface and can’t see, hear much less understand the history of how simple words can possibly be hurtful enough to paralyze me into silence.

    I think of that analogy that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound? It’s actually quite silly but it actually explains the reality for anyone who has suffered from more intangible traumas that do not involve a specific event.

    For me for decades because other did not see, hear or understand the continuous chronic emotional abuse I experienced was automatically deemed that it didn’t happen and/or if it did it wasn’t that bad.

    This is at the core of why I continually go into the deep dive to find substantial evidence to prove what I experience. I’ve overexplained and overjustied myself over and over to prove my lived experiences. How this created so much self doubt to the point of paralysis. Why I had little to no self esteem, self worth and self confidence. That is the reality of long term emotional abuse.

    It doesn’t matter that much that I’m learning to have better boundaries with my toxic and emotionally abusive family of origin. That I have better boundaries of who I allow close enough to me to share my vulnerabilities with.

    My hyper vigilance makes me subconsciously very susceptible to anyone who even tries to harmlessly manipulate me in anyway. It’s probably why I get so easily pissed off just trying to buy something. As soon as a sales person starts to manipulate/lie during the process of trying to convince me to buy something. So there are so many situations that are harmless to others are triggering situations for me.

    This is why I’m so continually frustrated that my life, my lived experiences, my thoughts, feelings and emotions are continually disrespected over and over is such a big deal for me. I can’t just take each instance as just an individual occurrence. It’s why I can’t just “get over” it and act like it’s not a big deal every single time it happens.

    The retraumatzing I experience each time I blamed for having an emotional reaction to the simplest interaction I have with a stranger much less someone close to me. I’m continually accused I’m being “too sensitive”, overreacting, self absorbed and selfish because to show my authentic thoughts and feelings is an inconvenience to everyone else. It’s why it’s so difficult to recognize that others disrespect to my reaction is their problem not mine. Decades of psychological gaslighting which is essentially brainwashing makes me continue to difficulty shedding the fundamental belief that something is wrong with me.

    It will take patience and continual positive and authentic empathy and compassion towards what was real for me and not the toxic positivity that I just turn around and change my fundamental core beliefs. This is what I need to be respected. That my reality exists even if others can’t fully believe or understand my perspective. I AM….just respect that no more and no less.
    #chronicshame #chronicselfjudgement #narcissisticemotionalabuse #chronicselfdoubt #SelfDoubt #triangulation #scapegoated #lostchild

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    Battling With Self Doubt & Feeling Numb

    Hi. i dont know who read this but i just write it down.
    I'm 28. I'm actually battling with self doubt and feeling numb at the same time. I have no idea what should i do to improve my life. #Selfblame #SelfDoubt #numb

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    Is it wrong to feel bad for him?

    About two years ago a local hair dresser sexually harrased me. He didn't assault me, but hadn't my daughter and my then girlfriend entered the salon when they did I don't know what would've happened.. I just found out he's being sent out of the country. That means he has to return to Baghdad. I feel such a relief knowing that in just a few weeks I won't have to be scared of seeing him around, but at the same time I feel bad for him. I feel bad that he has to close his business and travel back to a country that isn't safe. People around me keep saying that he deserve this. I feel like I should be happy about him being sent out of the country, but at the same time I feel sorry for him.. I don't want him around. I don't want to live in fear of meeting him at the local stores, but at the same time I don't want him to be sent back to where he fled from.. I'm so confused about my feelings about this. Even my therapist keeps telling me I should celebrate and be happy about it, but I don't feel like doing that.. I feel like I should want to celebrate, but at the same time I feel like it would be wrong of me to celebrate someone having to go back to a unsafe country.. What do you guys think? #SexualHarassment #Fear #SelfDoubt

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    Self-doubt, the way to be single and alone

    I see people in this world that perhaps would enjoy my company and companionship and yet I cannot get over self-doubt and my trust issues to let them know how I feel.

    Bullies have always told me I am a loser and nobody wants to be friends with me. But I cannot see them as bullies until it is too late.

    The very few times I have tried to open up I end up finding the person that wants help paying bills or a place to stay or just wants me to help them with a project (like fixing a car or other household chores). I WAS always glad to lend a hand. Not anymore.

    I always find out I have picked the wrong person.

    My calls go to voicemail.

    My texts go unanswered.

    If I run into someone in the grocery store, I get the uncomfortable "I have to run but we should catch up, I'll text you my new number"

    And nothing.

    If there is something I have been put on this earth to do, it is simple.

    I am the example of the lonely guy, depressed and just waiting to die.

    The example of the guy, that continues his hobbies and living out of habit. The joyless guy.

    The example of the guy, that sees a nice face and tells himself "there is no way they'd be interested in me." And stuffs his disappointed feelings into anger for another day.

    The example of someone with zero self esteem and most likely to never understand what a good sense of self-esteem and self-worth could feel like.

    Alone and lonely.

    #SelfDoubt #alone #lonely #Used #depressed #joyless

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    Doubting my abuse

    Hi all,
    This is my first post. More looking for someone who can relate and give me some advice. I have bipolar I and I’m crashing down from an extended manic episode where I was convinced that the diagnosis was wrong so I started going off my meds. During those “manic months” I wrote a book about the abuse I’ve endured and made a lot of progress around my childhood abuse with EMDR therapy. As I stabilize, I’m going back to doubting myself and all that I’ve been through. I’m blaming myself for distancing from abusers and telling myself I made it all up. I’m embarrassed by my writing, and I’m struggling with thoughts of suicide.
    I have a great team of doctors but they don’t get it. No one can explain why being back on meds makes me doubt that the abuse ever occurred, but I feel like I’m losing my mind and stuck in a cycle of self hatred.
    Anyone ever experience anything like this? I also have a diagnosis of ptsd but as I accept the bipolar, I all of a sudden don’t believe the ptsd is real.
    Any words of wisdom or just relating in general would be so helpful! Thank you 🤍🤍 #BipolarDisorder #CPTSD #SuicidalThoughts #SelfDoubt #selfhatred #NeedSupport