Selfpity

Im in pain once again... this is a vent just to get it out there.
I have deep vein thrombosis in my right leg. (Digianosed in july 14th). My compression stockings have small holes which Im scared they are going to tear more (my own fault..i tried pulling the fluff off with a razor and oops). I cant tell my dad this, he will flip as it is we are struggling to pay the medical bills. So i told him it broke by themselves. (Self pity on myself..anxious and i hate myself😡).

So now my leg from calf all the way to hip is so painful. Oh well i did this so I have to pay for it. Why was I such a f..king idiot.

I’m having the hardest time today tying to not slip into the downward spiral of despair, shame, self pity, ... It’s beautiful outside. Gorgeous. Hasn’t been like this since what feels like never. But I’m extra depressed today. I started depressed. Then I canceled the two plans I had for the day; because of that I’ve disappointed multiple people. This fact makes me even more depressed. I’m feeling sorry for myself, and feeling like a bad person for feeling sorry for myself. I want to sit outside on the deck and absorb the beautiful day … but the idea of relaxing and enjoying makes me feel guilty. I feel selfish for stealing the luxury of time while my terribly hardworking boyfriend busts his ass to hit a deadline—I was supposed to help. He was counting on me. I can’t even count on myself. … The other thing I had planned was to actually go out and have fun with great funny friends from out of town. I don’t remember the last time I’ve had real social fun. I’m missing this year’s version of PrideFest in my city. A festival. A celebration. An act of support and love. But had to cancel. #Depression #Shame #Selfpity #feelingworthless #Uncomfortable #Anxiety #badfriend #fomo #Broken

#Unending Loneliness #Continual Self-criticism

I have been in a state of depression and misery, devoid of hope, comfort, continen contentment for nearly two years. But of late its getting even more difficult - a constant dulling sensation to do the routines and necessary chores of eating, bathing, getting decent hours of sleep itself is becoming a task. I have lost interest in food, in my coffee, music, stepping out. I just want to sleep forever but barely manage some 5 hours. But yet I try hard to motivate and enthuse myself. Certain kinds of TV serials I began watching but after couple of episodes it ceases to hold my interest. If and when I don’t have a choice of meeting people I talk normally and put up a façade of involvement and interest though after a while I just want to get back to my room and bed. Force myself to listen to the kind of music I used to live on and play while driving. But only for few minutes... just want to sleep... and sleep forever and good.😢

Even those who know I’m depressed and yet see me quite functional seriously wonder about its bonafides. I don’t want to be self piteous but yet seek some assuaging and vindication. So I act normal but then folks start taking you for granted and you then suffer the very conditions which exacerbated your loneliness, angst, grief and alienation in the first place precipitated by series of unfortunate trauma or episodes in your life.
Just feel so horrible and tired.
#Depression #Loneliness #Vulnerable #suicidal #Selfpity

I’ve been wallowing in self pity, I know deep down that all the problems I currently have are of my own doing and that I can still get out of them if I want but I’m doing nothing to change them, I enjoy this dangerous habit . I’m off sick from work as a nurse because I justified not doing the work properly as a mental health problem, well I said it was my fault and that I’m lying but I didn’t go in for shifts, I woke up knowing I could actually go in, did it a few times so my manager thinks I have stress and anxiety that is stopping me doing it. I know I don’t have one. I haven’t been part of the team, would be quiet and look anxious because I didn’t want to look silly or ask new things so I’ll never progress that way and I know that being off sick is only avoiding doing more and I’ll feel like I know even less when I go back. Whilst being off I’ve gone to the gym less and binge eaten, then an excuse is that if I’ve eaten so many calories what’s the point now of trying to burn them off, well obviously there is lol. Then I’ll complain I’ve put on weight like it’s not all my fault. I’m useless, completely useless. (Well I’m not, another excuse). I have the best friends and family that some people don’t have who actually have mental health problems which I know makes me an awful person as I’ve just complained and gained sympathy from them. I know I can do so much before it’s too late but I know I don’t want to- my life will only get worse and I’ll look at other people’s lives and wonder why I don’t have what they do. This might be a ridiculous question bc I’m actually a joke, can you get psychotherapy for self pitying? when in reality I have just got to stop being an arsehole on your own. As I’m currently on the waiting list for talking therapies #Selfpity #wallowinginselfpity #destructive

I wrote this a few days ago, when my depression was at a very extreme low. I’m trying to write out my thoughts instead of sucking the life out of my loved ones. I just hate that they have to deal with me and I know it’s stressful on them.. I have just started posting on here. So bare with me please haha.

What do you do when you have no one to talk to?
Not wanting to subject your loved ones to your sadness.
Wallowing in self pity and hatred
Crying without control
Losing yourself to your pain
Wanting all of the pain to end and feel something good again.
This emotional prison in my head,
Makes me wish I was dead.
My life isn’t even bad, but still all I feel is emptiness.

#Depression #empty #Selfpity #Havetostaystrong

now this is going to be a touchy subject but I am increasingly irritated by people claiming that 'no one cares' and that 'I am so alone'. Depression is whether we like it or not a selfish disease. It does make it all about the individual, we become blind to anyone else around us when its at its worse and in turn we expect the most from everyone at that time. I am saying this from my own experience so if you disagree maybe you have no had the same experience.

the way I see it as these phrases 'no one cares' etc are food for depression, you are feeding it out loud by saying these things. And you can end up getting incredibly fat from doing so.

while you are doing this you are so consumed that you become blind to the people around you but you make out you are 'always there for everyone else' but really your doing it superficially to reinforce your own feelings of being so hard done by.

There is no one in this world unaffected by hard times and sad thoughts.

every person is flawed, you need to spell out anything you feel you need as depression is such a minefield where a single wrong move can make everything worse, people are scared of that. be upfront and don't assume the worst in everyone just because they don't dance to your tune. there are so many tunes being played in every single persons heads, how do you expect to learn a tune if you don't share the music?

before expecting of others think of how many things are already expected of them.