lossofchild

Hello, I’m Angela and new to the group. Just wanted to share my story. Five years and four months ago, my 26 year old first born son took his life. That changed my life drastically. It changed who I am. I now suffer from complex trauma, anxiety, ptsd, depression and many other things I can’t even describe. I feel very alone a good portion of time even though I like being alone. Mostly, I am here to learn. I want to learn coping skills, etc. I also love to help others if I’m able.
#PTSD #Anxiety #complextrauma #Depression #Suicude #lossofchild #BereavedMothers #mothersofchildrenlosttosuicide
#SuicideSurvivor #SuicideLoss #SuicideLossSurvivor

How do you talk to a young child about Suicide?

It’s never a conversation you want to have , but have it!

There is no black or white when it’s comes to losing someone to Suicide. Having to look my other 2 children in the face and telling them that their brother was gone was just another rip of my heart. Having to tell them how , not having answers for why… ripped even more. Our youngest was just 8. We decided not to tell him how his brother died right away. At the time, we did what we thought was best. We wanted to protect his innocence for as long as we could… or maybe we were protecting ourselves? Was it hard having the same conversation with our middle son who was 17 when his brother died!!!

The truth is both times were just as hard. I just didn’t see it that way at first. Sometimes we protect our kids more my telling them the painful and uncomfortable things.

There is no perfect parenting manual just as there isn’t a perfect way to grieve. I am still always learning, and my children themselves still teach me.

Telling my youngest about Suicide didn’t change what happened. It didn’t make his pain of loss any greater than it was. What it did do is make him feel safe. Safe to ask any questions he will ever have and know he will always get the truth. I can’t change the events that have happened in our lives but I can protect them by supporting them with any struggle they have.

His questions come in waves and most always are when I least expect them. Sometimes my answer has to be “ Bud I just don’t know”, but we talk. Sometimes we cry and sometimes we laugh after …. but we talk about it 💙 #Suicide #lossofchild #Grief #itsoktotalkaboutit

Why do we lose friends while we are still grieving?

What is it about grief that pushes people away? This I can not understand. Is it me? Is it my pain? Is it just to real for you to handle? Maybe it’s all of the above!?

It has been hard enough losing my son , but I have also lost other relationships as well. Am I perfect?.. No far from it, but I am viewing life differently. Maybe there are just to many reasons, excuses…. too much pain that I can’t see anymore , but I am here. I can still listen, think and feel . I can still be friend. If anything the loss of my son has shown me how to be a better one. I am not angry. Losing what I have lost, I just don’t have room in my heart to hold on to anger. I choose to hold on to what matters most. My grief doesn’t have an expiration date… for me it’s never ending. I may have reminded you of your worse fear, but it’s what I wake up to everyday. My world could be filled with dark and gloom if I allowed it to.I choose for it not to. I know I have some bad days… I’m sorry if this is too much for some. I didn’t have choice in losing my son. I do have a choice in how I choose to go on. I am here… more honest then I ever was before. I cherish the little everyday moments just as much as the big ones. I not only can feel time moving now… but I can hear it .

“ We went to the lake today Bud! I sat back beachside and watched them with you. Oh the places we will go… I will forever take you with me!”

( Blog post from 10/18/19. - @mrsyiz.wordpress.com)
Here I am 3 1/2 yrs into this grief journey and I am still writing. It’s what I haven’t written about yet that needs to be shared. The truth is I am a grieving Mother. I lost my oldest son on May 21, 2016. It’s how I lost him that’s the hardest part . You see just 4 short days after turning 19 with less then 10 days before graduating HighSchool , my son died by suicide. I have chosen to not write openly about this before now. Losing my son to Suicide is not who my son was, but is now part of my grief journey that I am willing to share.

“It’s OK To Talk About It “

For me the hardest part of losing my son is now and forever being left with the WHY?

Why? Didn’t I see

Why? Didn’t I know

Why? Didn’t he tell me

Why? Did God let this happen

Why? Why ? Why?

My Why’s are truly endless…., but I know the truth

Even if I had a list of 1000 reasons why, none of them would be good enough . I would have 1000 more reasons for him to stay…

It’s a constant struggle to get what my head knows and what my heart can’t handle to agree. I have excepted that I will always be left with the “ Why”, but that doesn’t mean I won’t talk about it.💙

They say that a picture can say a thousand words. I say some don’t need any words. This one says both for me. The day that I snapped it I titled it “ Trying to catch up”. My youngest Evan was forever just trying to catch up to be the same as his 2 older brothers. My middle son Josh was stuck in the in between. The time when you want to start growing , but kid stuff could still be fun. My oldest Alfred just kept it plain n simple. He just wanted to move forward, without looking back.

The sting of my own grief on top protecting my children from pain is unbearable at times. I would do anything to erase this heartache from them, but I can’t. I can only just be with them through it.

Sometimes I worry that they both might start to forget what Alfred was like. My Joshua was 16 when we lost his brother and Evan was 8. This is just another reason why I write and speak of Alfred . We move forward but we bring him with us. This is the only Mother I know how to be. I find myself wishing to go back in time all awhile trying to catch up around me . It’s an adjustment but again the only way I know to be.

“There are certain moments when you wish time stood still. There are moments that at the time you didn’t realize were even worth capturing. Then there are the times when you can just feel it, you can feel the moment happening! This for me is one of those times 💙”

“ Our best pictures are our footprints. It’s the best way to tell people we were here.” J McNally #Grief #lossofchild #Hope #Suicide

It only took one minute for everything to change. They placed you in my arms , I was no longer myself. I became more, I was your Mom.

It only took one minute to fall so deep in love with you. I was finally holding the baby I had been so eager to meet for 9 months.

It only took one minute of patience to enter into your world. You were always ready to open the door, it was us who needed to find the right key.

It only took one minute to hear you laugh and have it infectiously light up the room.

It only took one minute to listen to you speak and see what an incredibly unique soul you are.

It only took one minute for them to tell me you were gone for my heart to shatter.

It only took one minute for me to understand how important every minute spent with you was a gift I took for granted.

It only takes one minute to start a conversation. Suicide is important to talk to about.

It only takes one minute to ask someone if they are ok. More important it’s ok to not be ok, that’s how we learn how to ask for help.

I would give anything to have any of the “one minute’s “back that I got to have with him.

Tomorrow starts 4yrs of my son being gone. Today I needed to reflect and writing helps with that. These years that have past have not been easy, nor does it ever really get easier. I have just learned more than anything what a moment can truly mean.
#Suicide #lossofchild #Aspergers #Grief #itsoktotalkaboutit