Mania

Haven't felt like myself since the pandemic. I barely feel like I'm a real human now because I feel completely disconnected from reality. Even when I talk to people it feels like I'm not in the same room as them and I'm just always so caught up in my own little world. I'm not really as present as I should be but I really don't know how to be present because the type of anxiety I have is so overwhelming to the point where I feel like not knowing what to do

I know the tools and what to do to decrease anxiety and I have had good days before. It's not like I'm not doing anything to help myself but man, sometimes it's hard to do the right thing when you're constantly feeling anxious. I could type a long list of all my physical symptoms right now and you wouldn't believe it. It's just a lot to deal with. I have health anxiety and it's been eating my ass since the pandemic now and I'm still very much dealing with this shit now. I don't know how to feel "normal" anymore. Like what even is normal these days? I don't know.

I wish I could relate to someone who actually understands me and who doesn't ignore me but it's been so hard connecting with the right people. I wish my family were better so then maybe I would've talked to them more often but it just feels like I can't really talk to anyone so I guess the best thing to do is to just bottle it up. I know it's a horrible thing to do and besides it's not like I fully bottle it up because I do talk to some people online and I write like a fucking manic all the time but also at the same time I feel like I crave company and a REAL friend who will be there for me. I feel like I'm so needy now and I sort of hate it because most of the time I'm just forced having to be with myself instead. I just want a friend who can relate to me. That's all I really want.

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression

I’m manic and sad idk how to explain I’m manic enough to only function with three hours of sleep but I’m sad that I have exams I need to study and I’m looking back at my teenage self hoping I could get that joy n life n impulsivity I had back then but now I just feel old useless and broken down #CheckInWithMe #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ADHD #BipolarDepression