A few weeks ago, I struggled with depression. I had weaned myself off my meds hastily. Well, for the past 2 years since my diagnosis I felt fine. I was doing better than I had imagined. I recently started a new job, in an industry I loved. I was happy. I was alive and it felt great to be alive. I felt my life was moving back on track and, I was glad I was back to my old self again. What I didn't realise is how quickly all of that would end for me, the happiness that is.
My body shut down. I was at the gym and experienced a panic attack instantly. The calm I had known, became a raging storm. It was the feelings of inadequacy, an overwhelming sense of emptiness that engulfed me and it was the constant thoughts of doubt that flooded my mind. I felt extremely empty and fatigued. I knew two things:
If I relapse now, I will potentially have to be readmitted. I just started a new job and relapsing isn't a great impression when you trying to impress a new employer. I can fight this. I may not win the battle instantly, but small steps daily to deal with my triggers including; reaching out for assistance and taking my meds can make the journey easier for me. I need to realise it is okay to seek and ask for help. The challenge I have found with battling depression is trying to convince myself out of the existence and destructive nature of a reality I create in my mind. Which is often flawed compared to my present life and reality I live in now. I also am trying to learn to be kinder to myself and listen to my body more.
I have gone back to my meds, I realised that because I experience days when I am "happy", they are often far and few when I decide to actively go against doctor's orders by not taking my medication. It is okay not to be okay, but sinking a ship which can be saved is not worth it.
#MightyMinute #DistractMe #CheerMeOn #MightyPoets #CheckInWithMe #Journaling #Depression