Part1

After weeks of thinking I was losing it, being too emotional, trying to cope the best I can and all the tiredness, they finally gave me a term for what I was going through, 'Post Natal Depression.' I can say I've never been so relieved to hear the words, I thought it was just me, but I found out I wasn't alone.
I was in college getting my diploma in Arts, ICT and Design when I found out I was pregnant at 17, I was happy and hopeful but nothing prepared me for the things to come with pregnancy, birth and being a young mum.
Finding out I was pregnant at 17 was a big worry, I didn't find out in the best way I was pregnant and was worried about my families reaction. I found out after being really ill after having the implant (contraception) put in my arm. I was sick, headaches, sleepy, couldn't eat much and just felt.... BLAH! Finally made it to the doctors after 2 weeks, they told me to pee in a cup, didn't tell me why, it didn't really run through my mind the reason why and boom, they told me I was pregnant, I cried.. alot. The doctors were shocked at the fact I was pregnant with an implant in and didn't know what to do. Eventually they removed the implant and sent me straight to the hospital to have a scan for any complications.
I saw my little peanut and knew I wanted to keep the baby, they told me I was 8 weeks pregnant and had no complications... Until later on.
At 11 weeks my belly grew and I couldn't hide it anymore from college, family or friends. A lot of questions were asked seem as I went from being a stick to having a bit of a belly so I announced the pregnancy.
At 20 weeks I found out I was having a boy! I was so excited! I could finally start getting ready for my little peanut.
At 34 weeks I went into slow labour, this is where it got complicated. Every week from now on I was admitted to hospital due to contractions and extreme cramps, the contractions would eventually stop after 4-5 hours. Nothing was done to stop them as I wasn't dilating enough. More and more problems started, My belly was way too big for a tiny, skinny girl to carry around, I had a lot of back ache, leg pain and comments towards me, which made me feel uncomfortable, upset and my mood was down.
At 36 weeks, I had another scan to see how things were going, my little peanut was not so little anymore, I was shocked, how could I carry him to full term? Look at the size of him?
The day before his due date I went into labour at 7am, I was scared, excited, I didn't know what was going to happen, no-one prepared me for this. I rang my mum who was 2 hours away and said 'this is it', she rushed to my house and said 'Yep this is it, try and stay at home as long as you can cause once your in hospital that's it!' She took me round Sainsbury's in full blown contractions mode to get me walking as much as I could, this was embarrassing having contractions in Sainsbury's with people staring at me and timing the contractions, I gave up and told her we needed to go....

I need to reassess things that are happened in the last 18 months.
Before the pandemic started, I was fighting with a form of depression caused by bad memories (maybe one day I’ll write down them too…who knows..).
My best friends nearly convinced me to seek for therapy, but then pandemic broke out and I didn’t have possibilities anymore.
So, I was suffering very bad.
I was really hurt and it seemed like it was all collapsing around me.
My best friend and I both used to work in emergency field (two kinds of different professionals but we both work in EMS).
He told me that if I wouldn’t seek out for help in time, I would face depression, anxiety and burn-out but I’m a bit too proud to ask for any kind of help.
(Sorry for the bad English expressions, it’s not my native language).
So, in those months, I thought my life had no sense.
Then pandemic broke out and all things went worse.
From February to Semptember there’s nothing relevant to say.
Last September, anyway, a call changed my life. Now my life is divided between “before that call” and “after that call”.
Now I don’t know if I’m suffering from PTSD, trauma or whatever this is it but that night my life and my emotions changed.
During this call, we had to resuscitate a man hit by a heart attack.
That man reminded me of my dad, dead from that cause.
So, I went into this house and I found someone performing CPR.
I started to perform CPR and I went on for about 45 minutes.
Eventually, that man died.
It felt like everyone fell down around me.
I had an emotional breakdown after he was pronounced death in the ER.
I talked with one of my colleagues about the fact that that man reminded me of my father, I started crying and I wanted to hide under 7 meters of ground.
That colleague was the only person who I expressed my feeling that night.
That colleague was a person that I profoundly admired and that called one of my friends in the midtime to make himself sure that I was ok.
I found it a nice try.
But, a few days later that colleague started physical approaches with me and I didn’t want them.
I started telling him that I wasn’t comfortable, but he began to touch me when I wasn’t able to move or react because of patients or tough calls.
It became a nightmare.
I talked about this with my best friends and he decided to walk out of my life because he just didn’t want to be in the middle of this.
Another friend told me to stay quiet and not telling anybody about this because nobody had to know.
Just to stay still and strong and not telling anybody.
I remained alone struggling with bad thoughts.
To catch something good from the night when that man died, I started a relationship with another colleague that was with me that night.
That relationship ended because he tried me to force to have sex with him….I tried to restart the relationship and it ended because he slapped me.
On subsequent months, I argued with many colleagues because of pandemic.
#Part1