total hysterectomy

I have finished my Partial Hospitalization Program and I’m now about to start my fourth week in my Day Program. I started the Day Program feeling so good but slowly, my mental health has degraded. This time, I do have my DBT skills to use and they do help, but I’ve started having panic attacks again and I’m crying for reasons my conscience mind doesn’t know.

The therapists at the Day Program said this is normal when you transition programs. Still, it sucks.

But this time, well, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of my emotions. I’m actually allowing myself to feel them, which is uncomfortable but I think I’m still grieving the loss of my ability of becoming pregnant. That frustrates me because I was never planning on having a child in this world, but these emotions are so strong and I can’t push them down like I have everything else.

Plus, I had an endoscopy last Thursday and learned that my stomach surgery (partial nissin) is still in tact but my gastroparesis is bad again. I think that might have set me off. I’ve been crying and laying in bed since Friday.

I wrote a poem to my future child. I’m afraid to show it to anyone because it involves my religious beliefs but it really helped me get out some of the grief. I haven’t written a poem since middle school and I’m not a poetry fan cause it can be so melodramatic, but I think I need to get back into again.

I didn’t think recovery would be this long and exhausting. But for once in my life, I feel like I can handle it. I’m so sad but not hopeless. #Hysterectomy #Anxiety #Depression #PMDD #PTSD #Grief #Gastroparesis

I had a total hysterectomy last Wednesday and suffered a lot of internal bleeding while I was in the hospital. I received a blood transfusion and my symptoms were much improved but of course I was still in a good bit of pain. My intentional pain has been greatly heightened since the surgery but I am hoping that will calm down. On Monday I developed a corneal ulcer and now I have a UTI or kidney infection. I know this is the life we live with chronic illness one thing after another but when will it ever end? Just needing to hit the pause button for a minute but of course that doesn’t exist. #Hysterectomy #TotalHysterectomy #cornealulcer #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #ChronicIllnessEDS #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #MastCellActivationDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #InflammatoryBowelDiseaseIBD #InterstitialCystitis

#TotalHysterectomy

#TotalHysterectomy #abdominal #Hysterectomy #constipatiom

I’m drinking the water. I’m eating the prunes. I’m walking as much as I can (only 6 days post op) I’m taking the stool softener. I am in so much pain. holy shirt balls.

When I talked to my obgyn about getting a #TotalHysterectomy she told me a lot about it: they ways to cut me open and take things out; what they would remove, what would remain; how they would blow me up like a beach ball to have room to maneuver; how I would be tired, sore, and couldn't lift or have sex for 6 to 8 weeks. I felt totally prepared when I arrived at the surgery center at 11am.

But I really wasn't prepared. Abdominal surgery really makes you appreciate how much work your abs do for you every day. Trying to go to the bathroom? Pain. Trying to get out of bed? Pain. Trying to stand for more than five minutes? Pain and exhaustion.

But also, removing the ovaries results in menopause, and about half of #Transgender men on testosterone still get hormone symptoms. And it's not the slow, gradual decline in the production of estrogen that older cis women get - it's everything, all of a sudden, and my little body can't keep up. I get hot flashes (nevermind that #Dysautonomia makes me heat intolerant to start with), then freezing cold, then hot again. My #Depression is the worst that it's been since I was hospitalized at 13. I'm constantly having #Tachycardia and my blood pressure yo-yos between high and low. I'm. always. tired. I have tremors and keep dropping things I'm trying to hold.

When will it all go away? When will mu hormone levels even out and my body get used to the new me? No one knows. In older cis women, menopause can last years. Years! And they're expected to just continue on like nothing's going wrong, because it would make men uncomfortable to know that a woman's ~*~ lady parts ~*~ are the source of her troubles. And it's not just older cis women, younger people with PCOS or endometriosis sometimes get ovaries removed. How about cervical and ovarian cancer? There could be a dozen of people around you who are waging a quiet battle with their own bodies because a vital substance for regulating just about everything is just ebbing away.

I changed jobs for a lot of good reasons, but better health insurance coverage wasn't one of them. I used to work for the State of Wisconsin, and even though our union was destroyed back in 2011 we still had the best health insurance in the area. All the specialties, all the tests, all the medical supplies were covered. I never had to worry about whether or not my insurance would pay for the care that I needed. My new job has done great things for my mental health and my overall life satisfaction, exception when it comes to insurance coverage.

My new health insurance does not cover my psychiatrist my therapist, the DME provider where I got my #CPAPMachine the pre-op appointment for my #TotalHysterectomy and my testosterone, which is now my only source of sex hormone.

The thing that drives me absolutely crazy is on more than one occasion I checked to see if a given provider or service would be covered, and I was assured that they will be. Lies, all lies.

Anyone who says the American health insurance system isn't broken has the 1 in a million really great insurance, or else is rolling in cash so the costs don't even register.