Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I feel like I’ve never known how to properly “manage” myself. My mind has been a blur lately and I’ve just been going through the motions. I do that sometimes. I have #Bipolar2 and just recently am realizing something about myself that I never knew… I maybe on the #AutismSpectrumDisorder and I’m unsure how to process that? I’ve had a lot of change the last year and fell very unregulated. I’m trying to stop myself from going down into a hole but I’m not sure I’m going to be able to. I’m sleeping a lot on my days off and having a lot of trouble processing my thoughts and focusing. It’s been really hard for me to function lately. My #Anxiety is very high and I suffer from #CPTSD I recently got out of a physically abusive relationship well 6 months ago. The last 3 months have been a total blur. I was doing ok but then I’ve just been all over the place since. I’m exhausted trying to fight my mind. Trying to just be able to function. I feel like I can’t catch a break. My life isn’t bad I just can’t focus enough to process it. I go through periods like this where I just kinda exist and lose track of life passing me by. I struggle to even accept myself when I’m like this, let alone like myself. I just feel so “abnormal” it sucks. I can’t keep up. I fell apart in 2013 during my last year of college… I failed my senior year. I’m just realizing that the reason I fell apart may not have just been my on set of my bipolar disorder but the dealing with hypomania for the first time may not be the sole reason I “broke down” I’m now seeing it may have also been that I had been #Masking my autism and before the mania I was able to do that but after that I wasn’t able to successfully mask anymore and that’s why I couldn’t finish school and why my life started to fall apart. I’m feeling really lost right now and do not know what to do? I’m feeling really alone too. I can’t manage to keep friendships because it’s just to hard with all of my mental health conditions and now I’m realizing the autism may also be a reason I struggle so much with maintaining friendships as well. I’ve never been loved for who I am and that just really sucks. People make me feel like I was better before I “fell apart” in 2013. I always thought the #Bipolar2 was to blame but now that I’m realizing that the #Autism may have also been a factor I’m starting to think it’s not the bipolar disorder that people can’t accept, it’s the fact that they don’t like the real me. The unmasked me. The masked me was “together” I liked her but I haven’t been able to get back to that place since and I feel like no one has loved me for who I really am. This post 2013 me is who I’ve always been but everyone wants the masked me back. But that was never the real me to begin with. Maybe I can learn to love the real me and not want the old me back because that wasn’t the real me. Maybe if that’s how I finally look at it maybe I can make peace with who I am and not keep wanting to go back to the masked me? Because that was never real and being real is the way to truly live. If you’ve read this far thanks. I feel strange even posting this because I ended up almost journaling instead of writing a post but maybe writing this as a post for actual people to read maybe what I needed opposed to writing my thoughts in a journal no one will ever read. Maybe I finally had an ah ha moment? I need to stop doing what I’ve been internally doing for over a decade wanting to be the old together me because that me was the masked me not the real me and I haven’t gotten back there because she was never real and she isn’t where I’m meant to be. She served a purpose, a lot of me wishes I could have masked long enough to get my degree but that wasn’t meant to be either. I need to love the real me because there’s nothing wrong with her and she has worth and chasing after a masked version of myself is never going to make me happy. And if the people in my life want that girl/young woman back then they only accepted the masked me and that’s on them. Maybe I can finally start the journey on loving the real me which is the real thing that has been truly holding me back the last decade. Yes figuring out how to manage my bipolar disorder better will be helpful but knowing now that old me was a mask and a lie and not who I should want back because I’ll never be able to love who I really am if I’m chasing my masked self. That’s led to years and years of disappointment and is why I’ve never actually moved forward since. I’ve “survived” so to speak but have been stuck in the shadow of my former self thinking that where I needed to go but that’s the opposite direction I should be going. Knowing that now I can finally move forward and stop trying to chase an artificial version of myself. I was never suppose to put that mask back on I’m suppose to accept who I really am. No one has made me feel proud of the true version of myself and that has been heartbreaking but if I can learn to love and accept her maybe others can too. If they can’t that’s ok too. I can learn to better make peace with that too. Again if you’re still reading thanks I’m drowning on and on but just writing this has made a huge difference on where I was at mentally when I started to where I am now. Like I said before maybe my thoughts needed to be written in a way that was directed towards someone reading this instead of just a journal, to be able to get here to this place. Even if no one does read this I appreciate the mighty for giving me this outlet to express myself to people who I feel safe enough expressing it to. 🩷🩷

I feel like I’ve never known how to properly “manage” myself. My mind has been a blur lately and I’ve just been going through the motions. I do that sometimes. I have #Bipolar2 and just recently am realizing something about myself that I never knew… I maybe on the #AutismSpectrumDisorder and I’m unsure how to process that? I’ve had a lot of change the last year and fell very unregulated. I’m trying to stop myself from going down into a hole but I’m not sure I’m going to be able to. I’m sleeping a lot on my days off and having a lot of trouble processing my thoughts and focusing. It’s been really hard for me to function lately. My #Anxiety is very high and I suffer from #CPTSD I recently got out of a physically abusive relationship well 6 months ago. The last 3 months have been a total blur. I was doing ok but then I’ve just been all over the place since. I’m exhausted trying to fight my mind. Trying to just be able to function. I feel like I can’t catch a break. My life isn’t bad I just can’t focus enough to process it. I go through periods like this where I just kinda exist and lose track of life passing me by. I struggle to even accept myself when I’m like this, let alone like myself. I just feel so “abnormal” it sucks. I can’t keep up. I fell apart in 2013 during my last year of college… I failed my senior year. I’m just realizing that the reason I fell apart may not have just been my on set of my bipolar disorder but the dealing with hypomania for the first time may not be the sole reason I “broke down” I’m now seeing it may have also been that I had been #Masking my autism and before the mania I was able to do that but after that I wasn’t able to successfully mask anymore and that’s why I couldn’t finish school and why my life started to fall apart. I’m feeling really lost right now and do not know what to do? I’m feeling really alone too. I can’t manage to keep friendships because it’s just to hard with all of my mental health conditions and now I’m realizing the autism may also be a reason I struggle so much with maintaining friendships as well. I’ve never been loved for who I am and that just really sucks. People make me feel like I was better before I “fell apart” in 2013. I always thought the #Bipolar2 was to blame but now that I’m realizing that the #Autism may have also been a factor I’m starting to think it’s not the bipolar disorder that people can’t accept, it’s the fact that they don’t like the real me. The unmasked me. The masked me was “together” I liked her but I haven’t been able to get back to that place since and I feel like no one has loved me for who I really am. This post 2013 me is who I’ve always been but everyone wants the masked me back. But that was never the real me to begin with. Maybe I can learn to love the real me and not want the old me back because that wasn’t the real me. Maybe if that’s how I finally look at it maybe I can make peace with who I am and not keep wanting to go back to the masked me? Because that was never real and being real is the way to truly live. If you’ve read this far thanks. I feel strange even posting this because I ended up almost journaling instead of writing a post but maybe writing this as a post for actual people to read maybe what I needed opposed to writing my thoughts in a journal no one will ever read. Maybe I finally had an ah ha moment? I need to stop doing what I’ve been internally doing for over a decade wanting to be the old together me because that me was the masked me not the real me and I haven’t gotten back there because she was never real and she isn’t where I’m meant to be. She served a purpose, a lot of me wishes I could have masked long enough to get my degree but that wasn’t meant to be either. I need to love the real me because there’s nothing wrong with her and she has worth and chasing after a masked version of myself is never going to make me happy. And if the people in my life want that girl/young woman back then they only accepted the masked me and that’s on them. Maybe I can finally start the journey on loving the real me which is the real thing that has been truly holding me back the last decade. Yes figuring out how to manage my bipolar disorder better will be helpful but knowing now that old me was a mask and a lie and not who I should want back because I’ll never be able to love who I really am if I’m chasing my masked self. That’s led to years and years of disappointment and is why I’ve never actually moved forward since. I’ve “survived” so to speak but have been stuck in the shadow of my former self thinking that where I needed to go but that’s the opposite direction I should be going. Knowing that now I can finally move forward and stop trying to chase an artificial version of myself. I was never suppose to put that mask back on I’m suppose to accept who I really am. No one has made me feel proud of the true version of myself and that has been heartbreaking but if I can learn to love and accept her maybe others can too. If they can’t that’s ok too. I can learn to better make peace with that too. Again if you’re still reading thanks I’m drowning on and on but just writing this has made a huge difference on where I was at mentally when I started to where I am now. Like I said before maybe my thoughts needed to be written in a way that was directed towards someone reading this instead of just a journal, to be able to get here to this place. Even if no one does read this I appreciate the mighty for giving me this outlet to express myself to people who I feel safe enough expressing it to. 🩷🩷

Recently, my therapist told me I have cPTSD and am in the midst of a trauma response/flare-up/activation, which was very validating and helpful to hear.

I have some good days where I feel completely fine, but at the smallest stressor or irritation, I completely spiral into an overwhelmingly anxious mess. I would describe myself as the most irrational rational person I know. I can think very logically and come up with a rational explanation to talk back to nearly all of my anxiety thoughts, but I cannot actually bring myself to believe them and I just continue to feel like I'm drowning until I go to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

I decided to increase my biweekly therapy sessions to weekly, start biweekly somatic therapy, and I have family therapy lined up (for a lot of reasons, low contact will never be an option for me, even though I honestly prefer it deep down).

I am very intimidated by the cost as my insurance makes me pay out of pocket until I hit my high deductible. I am trying to pick up an extra part-time job or two on top of my full-time job to reduce the financial blow even a little.

I'm trying to tell myself that this is a temporary high-cost investment, which will save me a lot of time, uncontrolled pain, and money in the long run.

Fingers crossed.

Recently, my therapist told me I have cPTSD and am in the midst of a trauma response/flare-up/activation, which was very validating and helpful to hear.

I have some good days where I feel completely fine, but at the smallest stressor or irritation, I completely spiral into an overwhelmingly anxious mess. I would describe myself as the most irrational rational person I know. I can think very logically and come up with a rational explanation to talk back to nearly all of my anxiety thoughts, but I cannot actually bring myself to believe them and I just continue to feel like I'm drowning until I go to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

I decided to increase my biweekly therapy sessions to weekly, start biweekly somatic therapy, and I have family therapy lined up (for a lot of reasons, low contact will never be an option for me, even though I honestly prefer it deep down).

I am very intimidated by the cost as my insurance makes me pay out of pocket until I hit my high deductible. I am trying to pick up an extra part-time job or two on top of my full-time job to reduce the financial blow even a little.

I'm trying to tell myself that this is a temporary high-cost investment, which will save me a lot of time, uncontrolled pain, and money in the long run.

Fingers crossed.