Part 1 of 2 I never thought I’d get sober. I had resigned myself to the life of addiction. I was 28 years old and had been trying to stop using drugs and alcohol for about eight years. I had started drinking when I was 12 and doing drugs when I was 13. It was fun at that time. Honestly it was fun for years. There were consequences every once in a while but the pleasure I derived from drinking and using drugs far outweighed them.
Partying became my identity. My grades were good, my relationships were relatively stable, and I was excelling in athletics. I prided myself in being able to to party all night, compete at a Division I level athletically, and still manage to have great grades. I convinced myself I was simply built different that others.
All that changed when I was 20. Suddenly the consequences started to become more and more severe. I overdosed, lost my scholarship, kicked out of college, long time girlfriend finally had enough and left. I was devastated, my family was traumatized from finding their son unresponsive. Once released from the hospital, my parents put me on lockdown at the house. They had seen their son most die and were terrified and blindsided. I detoxed cold turkey (something I later learned is dangerous and potentially deadly, we’ll cover that in a separate post), another experience l’m sure was painful for my parents to watch. I emerged resolute to change things. I enrolled in community college to get some credits, determined to get my education back on track. I started working out again. I figured I could get back in shape so I could get a scholarship at another college after this “reset” semester.
Drug detox rehab Tennessee
I had given up on myself completely
After a couple of weeks my parents eased up and loosened the leash. They saw I was truly remorseful and motivated to make a change. Things were looking up. Despite no earlier intention of resuming my drinking and drug use, I began again. It started small. I figured I could buy a pint of gin on the way home from class at the community college and drink it discreetly at night, just one time. It immediately became a nightly ordeal. But it was just a pint, and I was still doing all the things I needed to throughout the day. I justified it and no one around me was any wiser. Of course it didn’t stop there. A pint became two. Then i started smoking a little bit of weed again. Harmless right? I was still functioning well and relatively happy, at least outwardly. I think deep down I knew the escalation was coming, but I pushed that deep down. I’m good at that, fooling myself into thinking I have things under control. Soon I’m getting pain pills dropped off at my parents house. The weak ones, so what’s the big deal? Then I start doing a little coke. Then a lot of coke. Then a lot of pills. Then a lot of pills combined with coke, booze, and weed. Finally I break and start buy xanax, something I swore I wouldn’t touch again no
matter what. My favorite (and most destructive) mix of Xanax, pain pills and some sort of uppers becomes the daily goal. Im still lying to myself, saying this is is just a little fun hiatus and I’ll stop any day now. It was a daily occurrence almost immediately. Its no surpise that my life started falling apart again at a rapid pace. And this became the cycle. I’d fall off the deep end, there would be some major event that would shake me up, I’d try to pull my life back together with genuine remorse and determination. I would pull myself out of the hole just enough to convince myself that I could manage my drinking and drug use. I’d over time slip deep back into the life of addiction and pain. My bottom would be get deeper and darker everytime. I’ll go into detail more about the next 8 years years in a different article. By the time I was 28 I was completely broken. I would attempt to control my drinking and drug use but I had abandoned the idea I’d ever be able to completely stop. I’d given up hope of a life of sobriety. I couldnt conceive a life without some kind of substance to help me get through the day.
On one very confrontational day I was strong armed by family into detoxing then going to a rehab. At the time I was furious at my loved ones. I was sure it was a waste of time and money. I wanted to be left alone to drink and drug myself to an early grave. I intended to smile through the 30 days of treatment and go right back to the only life I knew. Luckily something unexpected and beautiful happened during those 30 days.
I’ll cover the details of my rehab/detox experience in a different post.
I never thought sobriety was possible for me. But with the help of others I was able to do what I thought was impossible, get sober and stay sober. Despite having no faith in myself or the concept of recovery, a miracle happened.
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