AutisticCarer

This time last year I was married and separated from my now ex. 6 years of marriage down the drain because of his issues and lack of care about his family. Now I'm divorced with 2 children. My oldest is autistic and recently diagnosed with ADHD. My youngest is a happy nerotypical toddler. Am I doing ok? My kids are happy and loved. They have food and a place to live. It's just us. I can't get a job because of my anxiety stressful situations and men are my only known triggers and I'm struggling. My ex quit his job to open his own business but has yet to make money so I'm not getting his child support and my oldest SSI is paying the bills. I feel so bad like I'm failing them. That's his money. His to do what he wants with and he can't because I can't get a job. Some days I just want to give up. It's so hard I'm struggling to stay afloat. Worring if I'm getting enough money next month to pay the bills. Had to shut off my phone and got a government phone same with internet. Just paying for light and rent but still just making it. I could only get them 1 gift this year. Am I making the right choice? Did I do the right thing? I just want to cry but they r always looking at me. I'm their only solid thing. I have to be strong their rock. I'm not ok but they make me better. They make me stronger and make me fight. I will never be normal but maybe soon I will be ok.

Every year there is an Anime Movie festival that, as a fanatic lover of all things anime, I attend most years.

This year however, due to finances, I (#Autistic #LateDiagnosis ) and my brother (also autistic and I am his #Carer #AutisticCarer ) so we decided to host our own festival.

Guy is excited to have his 2 best friends over, and I have a good Uni friend visiting for the fun.

Have probably over-catered the event but I get enjoyment from seeing others enjoy themselves, and I like baking and the prep.

The only issue I have is allowing someone in my room, which I have to do, that’s where my stigma lies.

Of course you can’t talk to anyone about it because explaining to them why you will HAVE to deep-clean your room and wash your bedding after them using it is both socially acceptable and down right rude.

Understandably so! I know I would be feel offence if I knew someone did after I left.

But it is something I will have to do to feel like I have reclaimed my space. Secretly and without discussion.

#Hushhush

5.30pm last night, I was experiencing sickness from extreme tiredness caused by 2 months worth of even more extreme #Insomnia

Fed the cats and made sure my brother had had his dinner (#Carer #AutisticCarer ) then collapsed in bed without any ablutions.

I did manage to make sure that my alarm was set for the next morning, so I know that it was 1759 according to my minion (phone) before I finally closed my eyes.

Woke today at 7.30am!!

I had even turned off the alarm I had set the night before and slept an extra half hour!!!

AND it was properly sleep - solid and restful!!!

Feel so much better this morning. Am practically whizz bang with energy.

Don’t know how long it will last as I have people staying over for the weekend from tonight and I have sooo much to do before then

But #Fingerscrossed

Without my #Cats informing me that their meals are due, my schedule would no doubt consist of something akin to one of a night-worker.

Instead I subsist on a few hours sleep per night ( #Insomnia ). The evading rest with possible #SleepApnea combined with loving nudging mewing causes me to become more and more exhausted each day.

Today my batteries couldn’t continue (the image of swapping them around in the TV remote to eek out a few more moments of functionality comes to mind). By 11am I was feeling nauseated and dizzy.

My fatigue was exaggerating my #Autism as my subconscious couldn’t muster the ability to use #SocialMasking and the #Clumsiness attached to my #Dyspraxia kept causing me to constantly collide my flailing limbs with inanimate objects. #Forgetfulness is the bane of my life which is even worse when I am not just responsible for myself #Carer #AutisticCarer but it had reared itself up with surprising frequency in the 4 hours I had been awake so far.

I decide to be kind and relent on my usual rule of not napping when I can’t sleep properly at night, and give myself a few hours: followed by a relax in the bath listening to my favourite podcasts.

A quick recharge before real life had to continue.

However, when my alarm went off it was like my body was heavier than normal, my vision was unfocused, and my usually over-active mind was filled with one thought: #Sleep

My “kitten” kept watch over me like a little furry nurse-maid, giving me a quick nuzzle and a loving purr the few times I opened my eyes. Until the next meal-time eventually stirred my limbs into shifting into actual movement.

I thought about taking the evening off; having that bath, burning some incense, and catching up on of those long-recorded programs...but an email that I had forgotten for for the nth time reminds me that that nap was probably as selfish as I can be today.

It’s now nearly 7pm and I’m still going to have that bath ... but after dealing with reality once more.