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I'm scared and I'm always alone no matter what

My friend always goes away #I feel like I am a jhonas a(jhonas) is someone who brings bad luck to people 🔥 # I think I might start staying bye myself #.All my life people have gotten hurt. Now it’s jack not because I saw him in person #,but because I felt maybe close to him #.When I was a little girl I had
Seizures,my dad was a pedophilea #.He abused us ,but also any other child . I didn’t matter what sex or your color he was just pure evil #I guess I am writing this because of Heth pain I am in wright now. # I have been waking up at and In sever pain #I have to walk with a really cool stick or a cane. If I try to go without it I’ll fall.My dad finally got sent to jail he got 20 years but he served 10 years he should’ve had to do all 20 #he died from cancer Trish and him made peace I never did. #I did not go to his funeral maybe . I guess I hated that man. He and my mom let a Asshole Dr talk them into puting me in a adult psychiatric ware I was supposed to be transferred to a child’s ward but I stayed a year in there and , yes it was awful.I am tired now. I well talk some more tommarow #

#I did something , I didn’t want to do ,I had to let go of someone I never had! Social media can be very painful , I can only speak for my self # He is on tic tic , he is very handsome,but what drew me to him was his sarcastic since of humor. #I have been in a state of depression for a long time ,then I was looking at tictoc and he was doing his video,he made me laugh. #DID not think I could laugh,but he made me laugh and feel something. #we talked at the beginning and nothing serious.But he made me feel things I thought where gone. #he is very special,like my husband .My husband was like that he’s humor was not Sarcastic.He’s humor was something else very special, but people change and he lost that humor, he is serious now. Once in a blue moon the person I feel in love with shows up and it’s pure gold . I guess that’s why I was drawn to Starlord every video was something and I didn’t know it but I found out he could sing, #and he’s good . I have listened to every song he has sung ,at least I think so.Well I said something that pissed him off, I thought he was making fun of something I texted him .So he stopped texting me ,You think I would have left him alone then #but No. #It went on for a bit me ,finding waxes to see his videos. #and sending messages and songs that I thought he might like. I am ashamed of my self , I have never ever done anything like that. # He was and is like a Magnet 🧲 to me.If he finds this and reads this . I am sorry so so sorry my dear Jackie.And I will leave you be. I hope nothing but the best for you. #🦩✌️☮️😎💕

Right #Now I am feeling angery my old man is sick and know it’s not coved#people are so fake , and hurtful it’s not everybody it’s just the men that I find in my life that are hurtful and trys to break my spirit #and they are doing a wonderful job. #Trying to take care of my old man his 56 I know that’s not old . # And I am basically hit hard and I am not hit Physical it’s all mentally he doesn’t think that there is something wrong.So I will leave him to his self he doesn’t need me or my help. #and the other man I think I wrote about him ! #try to talk to him ,he is was very special to me . I told him a lot about me.Now weather he read any I don’t know.He is very good at hurting me I don’t know if he does it to anyone else #.It doesn’t matter my hole life I have been some how, Hurt from my dad ,
To my 1st husband, Now my second husband doesn’t want my help when he’s sick and , #I am just a maid.With no benefits.From the first I didn’t see it, but things change , #he told his sister that he’s two sisters and A friend he said was adopted .Where the most important to him.Not me or his daughter or his son.Only his sisters are important to him. #Not his kids .He said they where 🩸 blood his sisters #and Starlord ????Just know he has hurt me, I am wondering if all men are asses. I don’t care anymore about anything , except for my kids .They are gifts from God💕I just wanted to talk to someone.And I picked Starlord I guess he could have fun with me. #I feel like my life is over.I don’t see a future for me. #

#I know we are supposed to be uplifting. But that is so far from me. #I am beyond sad and depressed it feels different I feel lonely ,please don’t tell me it will ,stop or it’s my imagination #I never been this empty of feelings my daughter goes back on Thursday and I will be alone,My husband tells me to not think about how I feel, # I try taking to him but he doesn’t want to hear it.It’s all in my head. He told me yesterday I was crazy what’s wrong with you. I like to guff off with my kids he has lost what it felt like to be a kid I. # I have not I want to play and have some kind of fun. #he quite a study job , it made he’s nerves bad ,he said he has work lined up but I must admit I have been through this maney times.But I know he doesn’t like the people he did work. #he got paid onces a month , he didn’t like that ,they didn’t get a long. But at this time I think it a blessing to have a job. So he tells me to save my money to pay rent , I have my own bills to pay. And I have pad two of mine the others come out automatically.And He knows this , he paid he’s stuff I paid mine . #I am upset about all this.so of course my fibromyalgia has come full blown and can’t stop crying , I am trying to drink enough to stop the pain and hurt, O and the hurt is for my old man and someone else. #I hope that drinking enough it will stop the pain. That is intense.And my meds and know I am not taking any more than I should. I hope this helps me to find some kind of peace, but I doubt it #

#you know the Money we got from Gov .Well I got it WoW.But that’s not the thing. #in this time where people have lost there jobs have no place to live.My husband quit his job! #he always paid the rent and Electricity bill #Now because he quit his job I am supposed to pay the rent. I pay the phones, and 5 more other bills. I am just really pissed I can’t work.so I can’t work because of myBack and fibromyalgia.I am so Angry 😡 I just had to vent. #

#I seem to be off center lately and that is mentally as well as physically . I feel lost ,confused,almost desperate for a way out. I have someone, I don’t have accurately This someone, I feel close to, and I don’t know if this person is OK. I haven’t seen the videos he’s done in awhile. So when I got a chance to check the videos he had posted a video of a song and a picture.I love the band shindown,the song he choose was second chance.It’s a good song, and he hasent said maybe five words to me, I am a nuisance to him I am sure #I try very much not to look, think,text ,or call him. But it’s like I can’t go through a day and not see something that reminds me of him #and I am married for 29 years.When I first saw my husband he took my breath away. I haven’t felt that feeling in years,We are together but separate ,we haven’t slept together in years and I don’t mean a couple I mean years.it seems that after I had my daughter he stopped sleeping with me.And then I had my son ,And that was it and it wasn’t just them, we had other issues.I can count how many times we made love on one hand since they where born,my son is 17 and my oldest is 19.So it’s been awhile, I have been so sad and depressed and I have been sick this year.That’s a different story.I started watching tictoc,and there he was.I watched he’s videos ,so funny #and the rest is history.He took my breath away. # #