trigger

As I suffer from BPD, I obviously often have major rage outburst(and anger in general), not the ones where I get physically violent but I have a way with words, Obviously after episode is done, I have completely forgot all the terrible things I have said to my loved one and just feel guilty and ashamed..

Ive read some small articles how you should find things that would calm you down, like watching a movie, painting or going for a walk. Since I do all these things on regular basis, it doesn't work for me as way to instantly calm myself and get grounded.

So I started to think about my teenage years and what usually calmed me down back then and I realized its music!!

I do already regular listen to music, so that means my usual playlist is no good.

So I decided to try DEATH METAL, and you know what?! So far it helps! Every time I get angry, I just listen to that, cause someone else is doing all the screaming and banging and weird noises and it calms me down.

So my advice: If you feel like raging, turn on some death metal and let someone else rage in your headphones instead of you to a loved one!

#BPD #trigger #Rage #deathmetal

I was doing so well today until a school assignment caused a trigger. That unleashed a cascade of reminders and thoughts of my former FP😭 When faced with an unavoidable trigger, do you have a way to stop the thoughts before they start? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FavoritePerson #trigger

I hear the echo
of millions of voices not mine

am I too much

a slow giant whale is moving on our heads

deep blue sorrow dripping from her sides

she dips her head into the vast silence of the sea

calm

alone

she has no hurry and, deep down, beside her heart, lies a smiling face/ eyes enclosed, a pounding heart

the front exposed and covered with water

I am, though, still hurting

A voice inside me is posing me questions

what’s left is fear - she says

the dark blue sorrow sticks a hug around my heart and to the lungs

/ so petty

she holds it in her hand / such familiar feeling

why so resentful
and the tone, look more aloof than before

my mind has gently tip toed on a green blue garden

welcome back, a woman sais

here is where the details count

am I too much / or are you too much to your own self

so attentive, so silent, so slow / her eyes are with me
and so we speak

her hand in her pocket, she lets a little bird out
and so the wind is within me
and so I speak

I fear

my heart not ready
has never been

although he knows.

a silent whale is too big

me, instead - some sort of mute trustful being

the never-ending smile within me
a source of light

there’s peace inside you
/ and I’m not the one to follow

I fear

you’re all so vast, so tremendously precious

let the bird know the heights of his wings
singing his life with his blithe tune
I’m the pocket, I wonder the hands.

if I’m too much, I fear

not mine the hands
/ who has the courage
to hold you, so secure to let you out
I fear
I hope I’m not holding you back
/ it’d be so hurtful
my heart who knows who fears who waits and is so afraid, too much to compress; implode.
a tiny bubble of dripping hurting painful sorrow

-the claws in my chest-

don’t want to hear

#Writing #Poetry #insecurity #Fear #trigger

Not sure why Sundays are usually bad days for me. Any body else have this happen?

Okay, so I’m not actually going to an aquarium, and the sight of fish doesn’t trigger me; the title was really more to “reel you in,” in hopes that you would read and answer my question.
I live at home. I did things sort of the Benjamin Button in life. Meaning, up to the age of 27 I was doing normal-ish. I’d moved fromSC to TX to VA. High school- College- and was lucky my parents were in DC and I was able to get a super great job in government contracting (paying me to much, honestly). Girlfriend and I moved up from TX, 2011blah blah blah… fast forward to the end of 2015. We had just re signed our lease, the contracting company that worked for our client, had just become under investigation for cooking the books… my boss loved me and was trying to find a place where she could bill the remaining number of hours that the contracting was billed for me, and she did, but things were headed down…
Now my girlfriend needed to have exploratory surgery… we were not in a good place…
Skip to…
She’s decided to move back to Texas.
I’ve lost my job
My parents are in the closest proximity they’ve been since high school, but in school, as long as I got good grades I could go weeks without seeing them.. they both always worked a lot,and went out a lot…

God, I’m sorry I’ve gotten really bad at explaining stories.

So my parents find out GF wants to go back to TX and they freak out…. Because both of our names are on the lease…. (And she had been doing some bad stuff, posting my email and passwords online, doing all kinds of stuff)
So my dad wanted to pay off the remaining of the lease completly and have it be signed and done. I said no, she would sign it over to me.
She ended up blackmailing me for it for almost all my savings… but there was no way I was moving back home!!!!!

FINALLY!!! MY POINT!! SO I LIVE AT HOME (the aquarium), and my father is extremely mean. He was horrible when I was younger, but I never really had to see him much when I was at an age where if he said or did something I couldn’t leave or protect myself. But now, the monster lives upstairs. The monster controls everything EVERYTHING! Everywhere I turn if I see him (if I say something, it was rude, if I don’t say something it rude (in similar wording)). He is everywhere, (all the fish), and my only coping is to run into my room close and lock the door and turn on something on Netflix or whatever.. and my day is wasted. Since 2019, my agoraphobia has become so bad It makes me uncomfortable to even leave my room.
And I’ve stopped taking care of anything in my life. And I don’t know what to do. Please Help. #Agoraphobia #help