enlightenment

I have been struggling with my mental health for the last several months. I am pregnant and honestly just chalked it up to that. My depression has gotten better but I am still lacking something fierce in motivation. It was really starting to freak me out that it's been seven months and I haven't gotten back on my feet. I've never been down this long at least not for a long long time I thought I was better than this?? My anxiety was rampant and some days leaving the house seemed incredibly terrifying. And it made me feel even worse when I was judged about it. Told I'm just choosing to be this way and I need to act like an adult. That I'm just lazy and immature and don't realize how serious it is I'm about to be a mother and need to step it up. When really that's all I think about. I feel so guilty being what feels like crippled by these emotions and thoughts. I felt like there has to be something wrong with me something deeper. Am I just crazy? Am I broken? Am I that selfish? What is it?? I am trying my hardest every day to keep the negative thoughts away and do things that will help me and try to focus on and surround myself with positivity. But I'm easily discouraged by these comments about my character. Nevertheless, I stay trying. I have been feeling a lot better now that I will have a few weeks to myself without prying eyes or unnecessary comments. And the other day I finally decided to pick up the book I was loaned a while ago. I never thought I'd take the time to read it after all I wasn't grieving anyone I felt “fine”.

I have never been so wrong in my life.

Reading this woman's story about the loss of her husband and her journey reached far into my heart and dragged out all the emotions and feelings I've apparently been suppressing.
I suffered the loss of my best friend a little over a year ago. It derailed my entire life and left me gasping for air. It affected every aspect. I grieved heavily for a few months before getting distracted by some asshole but we won't get into that as I already have in my other posts. And then there was a couple months of intermission but I was mostly distracted by the break up. And then I met my now partner and we are expecting so there goes yet another distraction.
It never really occurred to me that I am in fact still grieving my best friend's death. After all, I wasn't crying about him I did miss him and thought about him every day but I was mostly stressing about my problems and the roles expected of me. At least that's what made sense.
My partner has never expressed jealousy or displeasure in me being sad or talking about my best friend passing and missing him but something just felt wrong about it to me.
Maybe just bc my ex Was jealous and a jerk about it🤷🏻‍♀️
So I never brought it up or thought about it really. But subconsciously I was missing the heck out of my bff and it devasted me.
He was always there for me when I needed him. He didn't always know what to say but he always had my back and would get me out of the house when I was going through heartbreak. We worked together and he made work bearable. He believed in me and encouraged me to remain strong when I was down and made me feel beautiful in his own way. I could honestly go on and on. And that's why I think I get even more sad now because now he is the reason I am sad and he's not here to help me get back on my feet. 💔

Reading this book and seeing how grief was affecting her began to feel like I was reading about myself. The closure I felt with gaining self-understanding made my eyes well up with tears.
I'm not broken or crazy.
I am grieving.
And that is something I can work on and heal from.
I can get better.
Everything seems achievable now. Hope is making its way back into my heart. I feel relief.
I decided I wanted to find a grief group for support. I found a place only a few minutes away and am waiting to hear back from them that I can start attending the group sessions. It's not much but its a start.
There is a giant hole in my heart from where my best friend used to live. I am ready to begin my healing journey and find myself again.

There is no set time for you to grieve.
It is different for all of us. But we all deserve a safe place to talk about the ones we've loved and lost. And we all deserve healing and happiness. And we all deserve to feel related to and heard. I welcome all and any advice anyone has about how they helped themselves heal after the loss of a loved one. And I hope others who are in the same boat as me find their path to healing as well💕

I trapped particles of smoke in a bowl the other day, and stared at them for at least 30 minutes. I could move the smoke around, and look super closely at what the inside of smoke looked like. I believe that would be particles? Ever since I’ve depersonalized ( #DepersonalizationDisorder , DPDR), I have clear, accurate thoughts about physics, the universe, creation, peoples personalities, philosophy, etc. I came to multiple conclusions on my own, that my psychoanalysis later confirmed where popular opinions of philosophers, specifically Freud. I became sick about a year ago, and stepped outside of my body to diagnose myself, because the doctors weren’t trying hard enough. I figured out what was wrong, and now they want to study my brain and my body. Does anyone have any experiences like this? It’s like the most depressing version of #enlightenment #Depression #DissociationDisorders #DissociativeIdentityDisorder

I am a woman of contradictions. I'm okay with that. I've suffered many losses from many causes. Today's topic is: #enlightenment
The type that you possess within you but may not make itself known until the proper aspects your universe move into #alignment and suddenly your body and mind welcome you to #Awareness ! My feelings on such situations (since #Iamnotincontrol ) is #dearlordwhatlooparewegoingthrunooooow ? Along with #ohnohurryitup and #alltheusual wishful thinkin's. Well, dramatic intro aside, I deep down, truly, [despite official diagnosis at age 19] and the #familyhistory just did jot want to believe I was #Bipolar . But today I finally could no longer unintentionally deny that I have been repeatedly #Manic so manic times over the past years.

It may seem odd that I am a functioning (use of that word here is questionable :) ) mostly accepting previously #BipolarTypeII ... But, I look at it with some apparent clarity and I see the storied tales of bipolar starlets of the golden age... The age of the #manicdepressive , #doll 💄💎. My family does not like to accept with any emotion, illness. Which does not go well with a #HighlysensitivePerson , or #HSP . I am #hypervigilant and also an #empath . An #empath is a being who is extra sensitive to their environment, some people are able to sense more in certain areas than other persons but these gifts are very draining on the person who has them. They cannot be turned on or off, however people can try to learn #tactics to help them deal with the #negative effects. Back to bipolar!

I am still feeling like I am in shock. I feel fairly alone in this aside from some new special friends of mine I met recently. I also have a #RareDisease which causes me daily pain and degradation of my joints/spine with no cure. My story is a big one. I would love to tell everyone out there. I am just in a situation... Jeez! Lol.
#✌#🦓#Pride