SOBERLIFE

Today is my second day without alcohol once again. Been struggling to stop drinking for the past 7 years but so tired of the ups and downs i just want to be sober for once and all. Need to go to meetings but i feel i don’t connect cause im atheist or free thinker, and im afraid to hurt or disrespect anyones feelings or believe. #SoberCurious #SOBER #SOBERLIFE #

On October 9th I made it one year sober. I am very proud of myself, but at the same time it seems so strange. I have friends who still party all the time and I never see them. I have friends that are sober as well and I never see them. However, both love to jump on their soap box when I do something and they disagree. I had an alcoholic beverage while out to eat with a friend. I had a problem with alcohol because I used it to cover up my emotions. I am not that person anymore. I refuse to go out with the purpose of getting drunk. I didn't think I was wrong to have one drink with my supper. It didn't go any farther than that, but I have friends on both sides mad at me. Now I'm letting everyone down.. I haven't had a drink other than the ones I allow while I am out to eat. I don't have any alcohol in my home and I don't go out to drink. I wish they would be as involved in my life on an average day as they are when I make a post that I had an amazing meal and there is a beverage in the picture. I have a lot of mental illnesses so I know I can't drink in large amounts. I am taking care of myself and I wish that people could just be proud of me for that. I don't intend to give up my sobriety ever and I also don't plan to give up my freewill. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a failure. Sobriety is different for everyone the same way drinking is different for everyone. It's really hard for me not to lose my temper on my "friends" so I am just trying to get it out here. I'm fucking hurt though. Not a single one congratulated me on my year. They see a picture on the 24th of my plate of pasta with a glass of wine and have to tell me how I am throwing away all of my hard work. When I explain that I have battled my demons and I've taken control over myself again they continue to tell me that I am dumb and selfish. I don't know if I can be nice to them for much longer or if they even deserve it. Am I kidding myself for thinking that they could just get over it? Should I even want them to try understanding? I thanked them for caring and trying to support me. I just wish they wouldn't attack me when I try to explain things to them. None of them ask me how my health is or if I'm still in therapy. Just jump right to I'm a failure. Grrrr

So for as long as i can remember i have always numbed out my feelings and emotions and this past week for the first time i actually allowed myself to feel feelings and let myself feel uncomfortable and cry. I didn’t need to self injure and i didnt need to drink away my emotions. What a world it was to reach out to my sponsor and feel the feelings. #amazed #feelingfeelings #SOBERLIFE #proud

Sobriety is so blah, dull & flat. It’s like being awake all the time. It’s so tempting to reach for the bottle, pill, joint...pick your poison. Pretty much anything to numb the mind & thoughts on my mind. Not being able to chase away with something is exhausting! #Sobriety #Depression #Anxiety #SOBERLIFE

Constantly having suicidal thoughts, on not wanting to be here anymore. Just living day in and day out wishing I wouldn’t be here in this situation any more. I feel like I’m a burden on family and friends because I keep having to ask them for rides places. Yet they keep asking me if I’m driving yet and the answer is still no. I have a car just haven’t gotten the insurance yet. I’m constantly thinking of what could happen to me if I drive again. On one hand I could gain my independence back/freedom and on the other hand I could get into another car accident. I know I can’t do anything to stop the second scenario, so people say; what’s the problem, why aren’t you driving yet? My anxiety is at an all time high, I’m shaky all the time and I cannot do anything to stop it. So I journal my thoughts down to get them out of my head. I keep thinking what’s the point of me living anymore, I am slowly loosing hope and my faith because I can’t understand how a God can love me when I’m a Trans Man. My body’s going through some of the changes, yet my family can’t take a second out of there day to dig deeper in questions. Do they really love me? I don’t feel the love right now. This pain in my brain just won’t go away, people don’t get me I’m a rollercoaster of emotions and I can’t even understand them myself. Does it really get better? Who knows. #SuicidalIdeation #Pain #mentalhealthcheck #gettingbetter #confused #MajorDepressionDisorder #generalizedanxiety #Hypervigilance #Hyperattentive #Insomnia #Cantfeelthelove #Feelingemotionssober #SOBERLIFE #Masking #Shareemotions #Nocommunity #Transman #lost #Hardtoaskforhelp #Strugglelife #Strugglebus #Life