Unmedicated

My Best Friend and I broke up.
Honestly I have seen this coming for a while and I am hurting a lot right now in a way I haven't in a LONG time.
I am honestly at the phase of a break up where I want to go back to the person who savagely destroyed me and apologize to them for hurting me as badly as they did and for destroying me time and time again until I snapped and hurt them.
You know. "I am so sorry that I snapped after all the times you broke our plans with lame excuses, then did something on the exact same day you could not do things with me, with someone else.
I am so sorry that time and time again, you had no money to pay your phone bill, so I paid it, couldn't get groceries so I bought them, couldn't buy gas so I bought it, couldn't pay rent so I paid it, then you got time off work for a festival or a concert after breaking plans with me saying you needed to work for diapers.
I am so sorry that it hurt me when I paid your phone bill when you were unemployed and you ghosted me when I said I really missed you and needed to spend time with you, but I could see you posting on Facebook at the exact same time that you were not talking to me.
I'm sorry it hurt that my husband and I drove 246 miles at 4am to get you and your kids out of an abusive home, drive you home, and put you up at our house, get you housing, pay for your gas, get you set up in town, and you told me I am petty, abusive, bitter, angry and hurt when you canceled multiple plans with me over the last year, then did things with other people.
I am sorry I was so hurt that I was stupid in my BPD/BiPolar brain reaction and Vaguebooked and forced you to tell me how much of a horrible person I am.
I am sorry that I am hurt because I expected more from a best friend.
I am sorry I am hurt because I know your favorite animal, know your exact top 3 fictional characters of that favorite animal, and did make sure that after a really bad month at work during covid 19 those 3 stuffies were on your frontstep waiting for you after work, and you cannot name mine, you could not name mine ever.
Worst of all I am sorry I am hurt because I want to make amends to you because you hurt me. You broke me, you made me feel like I was less. I deserved less. I was ugly and worthless. I felt like you did not want me in your life. I want to apologize to you for you making me feel that way.
And I hate myself for it.
Because it means that this is all because of the abuse that you have been doing to me for years. I hate that you will never apologize for making me hurt. And I just want to tell you how sorry I am."
How do people deal with this?
How do you deal with realizing you were in an abusive friendship?

I'm a lot better than I used to be, but I'm not thriving either. It's a weird in between stage.

Over the last 20+ years I've been diagnosed with #MajorDepressiveDisorder (7 episodes), #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder , #AttentiondeficitDisorder (without hyperactivity), #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder and
#PostTramaticStressDisorder . I've been unable to work at times, barely able to leave the house, showered only occasionally, slept 15 hours a day. At one point I was taking 12 or so pills a day. If my parents didn't feed me and allow me to rent part of their home, I seriously would have ended up rotting in the gutter somewhere.

For the last 1.0.0.5 years, I've been off all of my psych meds, working part-time, showering most days, keeping my space a hell of a lot tidier and cleaner. I've adjusted to dealing with how I am #Unmedicated . I've been actively maintaining one friendship in my neighborhood. I've even taken some classes to try and better my employment opportunities.

So here's what I'm finding. I'm in this oddball zone.
I'm #40something , unmarried & single for 4 years, childfree, not fully independent, not fully employed.
I'm better, but I'm still struggling. I'm not carefree and confident and ambitious....I'm a poor, angry, anxious woman with #obsessivethinking , #lowselfesteem , and I'm #lonely as fuck because I'm too scared to let new people in. I'm a #Survivor !! But I'm struggling to have more than this really small life. Everything is still really hard all the time. Blah, blah, blah

I have DID and C-PTSD and it’s so so freaking hard. I’m in very bad place right now and struggling to find reasons to not act on my impulses even though I’m at my breaking point. I recently did a 19 day stay on a unit for trauma and dissociative disorders basically getting an overhaul on my med regimen (along with trauma work, but the meds were/are a huge factor). When I followed up with my outside doctor, they decided they didn’t like what I was on and refused to continue 4 of my meds. Basically left me high and dry. I’ve been outta meds for a few weeks (toooo long) and while I finally got in with a new doctor, it’s gonna be three weeks and yeah, I’ve sorta managed to hold it together up until now but I feel drained and defeated. Logically I know it’s mostly due to the lack of meds but at the same time I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just wanna crawl into a hole and disappear forever. I’m tired of constantly fighting myself, my parts, my system. I’m tired of being too ashamed to ask for help and then being essentially dismissed when I do actually make the effort to reach out. I’m tired of feeling abandoned, burdensome, in the way, and like the only thing I’m capable of is failing. I’m tired of people leaving without a single word or hint as to why. I’m tired of missing my parents even though they’re the main source of my issues.. I’m tired of just wanting to feel loved and included and then being pushed to the side. I’m tired of feeling disposable. Mostly, I think I’m just tired of being tired 24/7. #Selfharm #hopeless #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #CPTSD #tiredoffighting #CheckInWithMe #BipolarDisorder #Unmedicated #Suicide

I just don’t understand why I have to beg to get help in this state for mental illnesses I have been treated for in my home state for 15 years???? #Unmedicated #Anxiety

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a child. I have never officially been diagnosed with either but I self diagnosed myself in my early twenties. I had a primary care doctor tell me he thought I had depression after hearing my symptoms that included feeling unable to focus, multitask, and having a foggy brain feeling.

I brushed off his suggestions and didn’t go back to him. But he was absolutely right and I have suffered 20+ years of on and off depressive episodes.
My current episode was triggered by a multitude of events occurring in 2015. First being my Mom being put in hospice care after 3 days in a hospital, then both of my fur babies passed away from kidney failure, then my Dad got hospitalized and we ended up removing him from life support which he couldn’t survive without. Then I had to close my business because it was failing after 6 years.

I thought I had enough, then my body went into anemia for poor diet I followed for years and I went into peri menopause. I had intense menorrhagia that confined me to my home most of the time. I haven’t worked since 2016.
All through this my husband stood by me but I felt he was judging me. This is the first major depressive episode I have had since we have been together. We have been together for 18 years.

I am feeling better but I struggle with physical health issues. And now I suspect that my husband has been hiding his own illness that might kill him. My worrying keeps me down, just when I thought I’d started to get better mentally.

#selfdiagnosed #Unmedicated #strength #Hope