conversations

I have noticed these too. Two things. Overcome with grief and shock I find it difficult to look at anything with meaning and without apprehension. Like yesterday this friend of mine dropped in and another called ( after an SOS last week I guess they are attempting to keep tabs on me) and I did manage to talk a thing or two on industry and economy with one. But then I wondered... what’s the point? It’s meaningless. Such routines I got sucked into earlier and these routines themselves deeply harassed me and hedging and negotiating through these chores was sapping and exhausting. So there’s fear too even in dealing with routines. But we are told not to look for meanings particularly matters which are purely utilitarian and functional in value. Also fraternizing in its functionality keep alive the social in man and the community itself something that distinguishes human society as opposed to animal society and that’s how we retain our sense of collective. But guess that’s what my depression is... the lack of desire to be retained in this collective. Feel cheated by the collective. And I know the collective, my own friends hardly have much patience to listen to my angst. We have our pasts too and like I have stated before my own past demeanors won’t compel anyone to be much indulgent of me. Further I myself feel too ashamed and tired to keep talking about my pain and grief. I don’t see meanings otherwise in interactions and barely comforting or reassuring and therefore nothing much substantial to happen and bring me back. Love is what that matters and gives meaning and I have been abandoned by the ones I still love and care for. And fear and despair of slim possibilities and currently badgered and harried, loneliness is my future... and death redemption! 🤦🏽😢
#Loneliness #lackofmeaning #meaningless #despair #FearOfAbandonment #Anxiety #suicidal #Communication #conversations