desolate

I don’t know how much longer I can live with these awful feelings inside. I feel like I’ve been in a relationship by myself for so long & the hurt & loneliness is unbearable. I feel like I I have literally spelled out how I feel & my desire to work on making things better. How long do I have to try to talk to someone who clearly doesn’t want to hear me? I feel like I no longer have a voice in my life. Am I the only one who is constantly yelled at to “shut up” when I’m trying so hard to work things out? When I’m reaching out & begging to have my feelings acknowledged is that wrong? Is it wrong to ask to go to couples therapy? Am I “just too sensitive “ if I’m offended that he thinks everything is fine as long he gets to keep doing what he wants and I don’t have a right to say anything about it? Is it really okay for me to continue to deal with our autistic daughter’s struggles alone while trying to deal with my MS as well as Anxiety & depression? Is it acceptable for him to always have a reason to be gone when I literally cannot leave the house for even an hour by myself?
#ms #Depression #Anxiety #Autism #lost #heartbroken #dismissed #breakingpoint #invisible #lonely #desolate

I want to give everything up. Getting a plan ready and a letter.  Don't want to talk to anyone cause I'll probably get admitted.  Don't want to bother anyone any more.  This one (and only) friend (I have) told me a few days ago, I need to stop complaining, stop taking what is said and coming back sounding negative.  (He said) I'm not happy, my smile is gone and nobody wants to be around that.  he says he is telling me as a friend so when he moves (within month) I'll know how to act if/when I get friends.

Than my therapist of 2 years tells me last week that next Tuesday will be our final session.  He is handing me off to another clinician.  Oh, and the final session is him closing me out and doing the monthly plan thingy.  So we probably will not get a good session in.

My thoughts right now - LOSER I HATE myself NOT WORTH IT. A big fat BURDON to EVERYONE. WHY even bother anymore Get back into that hole get away from this so called life. Build that wall higher stronger - a fortress which NO ONE can penetrate. Tried the trust thing opening up. For what This #Pain #Depression #Confusion It's not worth the #desolate feelings anymore.  

I'm really down, getting hard to eat and go to my boxing (which I TOTALLY love)

So, that's where I'm at right now.  Think I can just push thru this; after all, I've been doing that my whole life.
#Depression #MDD #suicidal #hurting #alone #Lonliness #CheckInWithMe #Sadness

#desolate

#CheckInWithMe