DayOne

I've always seen above people's heads... or I remember a time years ago when I was in elementary school, fifth grade... Mrs. Vogel a great teacher, said to my mother "I love that Amber reads so much however it's the context of what she is reading that bothers me." I loves to read, I still do even though other things have gotten in the way of my passions and enjoyment. It was my escape from the painful reality that kept my face in book after book and story after adventure. Man, do I miss that fifth grade girl right now because this almost 40 year old woman doesn't even know how she is going to make it through the week. I didn't realize until tonight that I am really so different from my family and pretty much all of them. I also didn't realize tonight that the same sad and lonely fifth grade little girl is still inside of me and now she has been woken up... BUT this time she isn't going to hide her face in a book or story or adventure of another fictional characters life. Nope, Nope, Nope!! She is going to figure out how to get herself out of this dark hole and finally LIVE!! And when I say live I mean live her own adventures without regret because those "around" her don't understand and she is going to tell her own stories with apologies because they are hers, the good and the bad and all of the bullshit in-between and she isn't going to hide her face behind a fiction character that makes the real her seem so small. I think tonight, I learned that the reason I am a six foot tall, strong, fierce, emotionally messed up beast of a woman is because this whole time I've been holding things most couldn't even imagine but I held them. I held them on these strong broad manly (🤣🤣🤷‍♀️) shoulders because God built me to be able to withstand the pain that others may have crumbled under and I think for the first time in my entire messed up, confusing, angry, bipolar and happy life... I understand from a oddly different perspective... now to figure out a way to keep this same energy and vibe and apply it... that is the real struggle I'm about to face... but I am going to with all my might attempt to face it differently than I have faced so many battles before. Because I've always known this I just didn't put it to work the way I should have... I HAVE GOD ON MY SIDE! I HAVE FAITH ON MY SIDE! I HAVE A DESIRE TO HEAL! I have so many things that this emotionally damaged person deeply inbeded within me took over for many years. But I know how to work with her now, live with her now and damned if I'm going to second to her also. This is my life and I am going to live it now... #eyeswideopen #BeautifullyBroken #aware #DayOne

I am writing this as a reminder to myself that today is the day I decided enough was enough. That I will not let this chemical imbalance rule my life anymore. I am going to get help. Today is day one, and I am going to share my journey here to keep myself accountable. I hope that it will help me, and maybe in turn help someone else.

#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DayOne #EnoughIsEnough

Really struggling to take care of my basic needs recently- feeding myself, basic hygiene, getting out of bed etc..
Every time I try to make a plan to take care of myself, my head rings with “what’s the point?”. I know things like gratitude, exercise, meditation, getting out in nature will all help me- but can’t seem to keep up with anything for more than a couple days. I feel like I’m forever starting “day one of a new and happy me” and it just doesn’t happen. #help #DayOne

#52SmallThings #learn to say no and not feel bad about it

Finally got around to seeing a psychologist today for the first time. Not ruling out medication as an answer, but I thought it’d be good to explore as many options as possible. #DayOne #GAD #seekhelp #Anxiety

Day One. Went outside. Played with and walked dog. Went to gym. Took a nap. Read a book. Held my ground. #Heartache #DayOne #Trying