Upallnight

#Anxiety so just a little while ago I took my night medicine and was praying to God on everyone’s behalf at the mighty!! Prayed for peace happiness comfort and healing ❤️‍🩹 but anywho I started getting really anxious 😬 I jumped out of bed really quickly I’m so scared to lay down and try to sleep again

I want to take my medicine and go to sleep but my anxiety is to high and won’t let me I’m to afraid 😱 to try and go to sleep 😴

I definitely don’t want to be a bad person and I don’t want or wish anything bad on my soon to be ex wife but I just feel like she’s going on with life and us not being together is not affecting her at all. Like I said I don’t want anything bad to happen to her I just wish she missed me like I do her because I guess I want to feel loved and valued by her not like some piece of trash that’s easily thrown away. And maybe 🤔 I’m wrong for wanting that idk 🤷‍♂️ but what I do know is that if I were given a chance to save and salvage my marriage I probably would and that would be going against what my family and probably her family feels about it. But I do love her still and I always will. I can’t turn off love like some kind of light 💡 switch. But that’s just me just like a guy who used to be real close with like a brother I feel like he is ghosting me now and right now my anxiety is through the roof I want to take my medication and try to get some sleep but I fear if I do then I’ll spiral 🌀 into a full blown panic attack and I definitely don’t want to go into one of those they scare me 😱 really bad. I want to trust in God with all of the things I’m going through but I’m so afraid of just letting go and giving it to Him not that I’m doing a bang up job of managing it myself because I’m obviously not as indicated by my many posts on here being emotionally all over the place I keep thinking 🤔 about calling the crisis number just to have someone to talk to because I’m giving my friend his space I’ve already expressed I was here if he needed me because he’s said he had a lot on his mind recently and it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle by himself so I have not texted him for almost 72 hours basically almost three days hoping all the while he’d text me but sadly he hasn’t and I’m fighting the urge to text my soon to be ex wife I know that is definitely not a good idea so I refrain from doing it. I want to trust God in all this but I honestly want Him to fix it instantly so I can avoid the pain of it all and the slow painful process of it taking time but I guess that’s unfair to ask for #Upallnight #Grief and I’m sorry for constantly posting stuff but I can’t keep my family with it and my first therapy session is tomorrow afternoon and you don’t really get a lot of time in those sessions so I wrote down some topics I want to cover even though I feel as if I have to start at the beginning and bring her up to speed so to combat that I wrote down a few things that I definitely want to discuss and again I am so sorry 😞 for posting a lot but it helps me a little bit

I’m literally in pieces at the moment I honestly don’t know what to do! I’m mourning over the loss of a marriage and a friendship with a friend who I used to rely on. I’m missing both of them him and her because he was my best friend like a brother to me. And she was my wife I’m struggling with how to cope with not being with her anymore. It’s making me super uncomfortable and sad 😞. Now it seems like I don’t have him in my life anymore either. I’m also struggling because I’m scared 😱 that my first ex wife who’s the mother of my children is going to try and prevent me from seeing my kids. My soon to be ex wife and the mother of my kids are friends and I don’t want to lose the ability to see my children. I don’t even have my best friend to talk to anymore. I feel i don’t even know how to feel anymore? I’m under so much stress right now #Upallnight #CheckInWithMe . I don’t know if wanting to repair my marriage even if that’s a possibility which I doubt it is , is even the right way to feel? Because I don’t wanna go back to arguing or fighting or fussing with her but I do love her and miss her. In the end I want what’s best for her and myself. Like I literally don’t know what to do because I want to ensure I get to see my kids I do know that much for certain because I love them. Also I fear the future and what that looks like for me? I know as a Christian ✝️ that I’m fully supposed to put my Faith and trust in God above all else. It says in the Bible in the book of Matthew 6:33 ….—-> Matthew 6:33
King James Version
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. So that’s where my focus needs to be. And I’m also at a new job my training is almost done and it’s a nice distraction but that’s exactly what it is a distraction and all that’s doing is delaying the inevitable right? I’m scared to face the things I gotta face head first. Like yes my marriage is most likely over permanently and that hurts to think about. Wanting my own place and a vehicle that’s weighing on my mind too. Just so many things going on in my life right now I’m so anxious 😬 I don’t want to attempt to go to sleep 😴 right now because if I take my meds and try it could send me spiraling 🌀 into a full blown panic attack and I definitely don’t want or need to have one of those anymore. I’m just so lost 😞 like I want to take this to Jesus Christ and lay all of this at his feet 👣. Because I’m struggling under the weight of all of this. I really need someone to talk to right now. #christiansonthemighty I feel so ashamed of myself right now and so depressed 😔

So I did survive my first day at my new job but to be honest I was doing computer based learning but I already got uncomfortable vibes from the store manager and I missed my hearing with the disability judge so that had to be rescheduled and so did my psych doctor she called out sick but like I said I already can tell this job probably won’t work out for me. Because I can sense that I’m not gonna be able to be comfortable in my position there and my disability attorney asked me wether or not if I thought this job was gonna work out for me and I know already this is most likely gonna end up in disaster because I don’t like to be made to feel uncomfortable and it’s gonna make my #Anxiety worse and my #Depression worse and that’s gonna start making me angry and bitter inside then I’m gonna explode 🤯 and lose the job anyway so yay me 😒☹️

Well I survived my first day on my new job of course I was doing computer based stuff tonight so not to stressful and I’m still nervous about driving that manual transmission car lol 😆 I’m not fond about it either I feel so embarrassed 🙈 it’s been so long but I do understand the concept of the manual transmission operation just gotta get that clutch just right well I just got home and took my meds and headed to bed I love you all so much and thank you for all the kind words and support and prayers # anxiety #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Upallnight #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #ADHD