isolated

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

I’ve completely lost all of my friends over the past 2 years. When I mean completely, I actually mean I have none left. I’ve lost a major friend group of 13 years around a year and a half ago. My last remaining friends I lost a few months ago. I’ve been so incredibly lonely. I watch all these shows and movies with friends and I don’t have that. My mental illnesses are also a major deterrence for people. I don’t even know where to begin for making new friends, I’ve tried and it never works. :(

I’m feeling frustrated. It’s been two years now for me that I’ve been predominantly in isolation due to the pandemic. My anxiety has been so high and continues to just axe away at my brain. My drs have no answers for me, no guidance, except to protect myself as I have no primary immune system. I’ve been calling them asking about advancements they haven’t even heard of yet… so frustrating. Not sure how much longer I can go on in this posture of nothingness.
I only leave my home for infusions at the hospital and even there I don’t feel safe now because the staff is working sick as well.
#justventing #CommonVariableImmuneDeficiency #COVID19 #isolated

anybody feeling isolated and lonely especially with people doing things with restrictions lifted ? #lonely #isolated #lost #BPD #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression

This #Poem was written halfway through the lock-down of #2020. My mind felt #isolated and #Depression was flaring. I hope it resonates with you; #When loneliness began to kick in and how our minds will do anything to feel the comfort of human contact.

With Urgency and Passion

By: Natalie N.

Maybe if the thoughts were written out

With less urgency, less passion,

they would come out more precise

Then where is did the message go?

In one ear and out the other?

Laying on the bedroom floor

You can hear the tenants words

Float to the ceiling, their secrets

Their private life lived out through eavesdropping

His words going in one ear out the other

You tried to catch his thoughts, their feelings

On a piece of torn paper, did it work?

Did gentleness trump the passion, was it more precise?

Did you find the answer to making this easy?

Is it Self-isolation or a cage?

Maybe if the thoughts were written out

With urgency and passion

They would come out jumbled, but with meaning

Making a message harder to read

Ebbing into the mind and making an impact

I lay on the bedroom floor

Hoping to hear the conversations of below

Self-isolation can make you mindless

Maybe I will hear a story or two or three

About when gentleness trumped passion

Today is a weird day. It's been a weird couple of weeks. I find myself missing old friends that I haven't talked to in years. I talked to my husband last night about how I was just a mess younger and how terrible I feel about some of the things I messed up on. I appreciate his support. I'm just having a hard time feeling lonely. I'm having a hard time connecting with others though so I'm just kind of stuck with this feeling for now.#alone #isolated #depressed