Vent

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Look. I completely understand that individuals out there need to make money. Especially after that year and event that shall not be named (it’s actually very uncomfortable when the names of worldwide events in 2020 are brought up), but this crap has gotten too far and bigger businesses are taking this for their greedy advantages. And I’m starting to feel like this is just an American thing here.

In my city, no matter where you look, there’s ads. Everywhere. We already had ads on buses, but now ontop of that, we have ads on a whole side of buses. I have to look down like 5 more times than usual just to avoid things that could possibly be triggering.

Google, an already billion dollar company, makes it a big problem for adblockers to work permanently, which is a problem for me because the exact reason I have an ad blocker is mainly to avoid ads that could possibly be triggering and uncomfortable to me, especially when I already deal with anxiety and other specified trauma disorder. And I hear that they’re about to make it even MORE harder, too this year (then again, they said that about last year)…

Some of my favorite websites are now declining their own reputations. One used to have one or two ads that lets you use its content for free, but now there’s literally 6 ADS everytime I go to an character maker page!! It is WAY too distracting to even focus on who I’m making…

Oh, and let’s not forget about inflation rates here being stupidly high. A bottle for allergies, for example. They have different tablet amounts for different prices. My mother bought me the largest amount of pills (100) and said that they used to be a lot cheaper, but now they’re $50. $50??? I couldn’t believe it until I looked on Amazon. $50 for allergy pills??? I get that it’s the highest amount, but 1) none of the other pills are close to that amount, and 2) it’s still a small bottle.. just with a larger amount. I could go on and on about so many other things being affected by how cheaper things used to be…
(Edit: They are now $38 as of March 22, 2024, but what a crazy price to boost up to for a temporary time.. and their list price is literally $49.99)

To those who argue that they just need the money, I get that. It’s not always easy especially if you’re running a smaller business or going solo, this rant is really towards the bigger companies. And to those who are mad at me for using an adblocker, please don’t be mad at me, as I mentioned before, some ads are very triggering for me to see. I will say that if you’re able to handle the ads, then please do go without an adblocker to help support those who need it.

But this has gotten too far. It’s like this American society and the internet is being brainwashed by this whole thing of money. “See this ad, pay this for that, oh guess what this item has a higher price now and you have to pay for it!!” Many big companies and websites are showing their true colors and are becoming more and more greedy as I speak, which is pretty sad. Smaller businesses are struggling because of this. This society has forgotten about the poor and making it much easier for folks/folx to get in poverty, especially for those who are non-white and LGBTQ+ (like me)! I thought we were supposed to be solving these issues, NOT ENCOURAGING THEM!

I want to start a protest. Or at least encourage one, because I don’t think this is right. This shouldn’t be happening as much as it is right now. It’s TOO much. But with anxiety, autism, and a trauma disorder, I’m not a fan of going outside to bring up the message, and social accounts I’ve stopped due to witnessing lots of cyberbullying and just drama nonsense, so I’d rather avoid posting on those sites, either. Is there any other way for me to spread this message, maybe similar to Change.org?

#inflation #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #Poverty #rant #Vent #Allergies #TooFar #SocietyIsBecomingTooGreedy #MoneyInflation #AmericanProblems #Protest #ThisIsNotRight #Capitalism #money

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless

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I freaking HATE them, especially if you’re in a non-monogamous non-romantic relationship (but NOT FRIENDS). They are meant to be love-exclusive, heteronormative, and monogamy-exclusive as much as they possibly can and it makes me sick and drives me crazy to the point where I almost broke my computer screen this morning because of seeing another stupid advertisement (no worries, it’s fine)! I hate the alternative title “Single awareness day” because it further proves the belief that Valentines is “oh so romantic” and plus while many single individuals don’t really care, some are making themselves and others feel bad because of the standard belief of “being in a relationship” when they are valid with OR without a partner(s).

Valentine’s Day does NOT have to be a romantic holiday. Plus, not every experiences love, whether that be romantic, platonic, familial, or whatever. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be for everyone because it isn’t even FOR everyone, so society needs to STOP PUSHING IT DOWN OUR THROATS AND LEAVE US THE FRICK ALONE!

#Anxiety #anger #ValentinesDay #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #valentine #Love #DearSociety #Stress #Polyamory #Vent #StopThis #Exclusionism #amatonormativity #LGBTQ

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I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin

It’s been a rough six months since I found out I was pregnant.
I wrecked my favorite car in a snowstorm and it was unsalvageable was a gift from my dad before he untimely passed. Moved in with my significant other who doesn't want me to work during pregnancy (which I'm fine with) and quit my longtime job so I miss my friends and feeling like I'm good at something. Was told by my therapist she could no longer provide me services so I was off my meds for a couple of months until my ob-gyn gave me the clear to restart them. This was an unplanned pregnancy and I was not ready for the hormones to quite effectively turn my brain into an emotional mush. And I'm still dealing with the grief of the death of my best friend that happened a little over a year ago. During the first few months of pregnancy, I was a wreck my environment was new and I wasn't working and I was always always always exhausted and emotional. I was basically a couch potato and had absolutely no motivation for anything I isolated myself a bit and felt very scared and alone. Scared to be a mom really, I wasn't sure I was capable of it and it riddled me with anxiety. My depression got worse and it was hard for me to take care of myself. Simple things like washing my face, finding something to eat, and showering felt so incredibly taxing. Since restarting my meds I have gotten a lot better and a lot of my energy has returned but I still feel like I need lots of rest. I try to get outside a few times a week and that helps. I am starting to feel pretty good about myself and I'm trying to restart my self-care and begin light stretching and working out. However, there are certain individuals who don't seem to believe in me. They keep worrying about me hurting myself or the baby when I have never shown signs of that. Even in the bouts of my depression all I did was cry. I never spiraled so far into myself to cause such alarm and it's hurtful. But I know they are only projecting their own past traumas onto me I just wish they weren't coming from a place of fear all the time and saw how far I've come from being an emotional wreck. And it's also hurtful for them to constantly tell me how bad I'm “probably going to get” after the baby is born. I'm doing everything in my power to take control of my mental health and the people who truly know me see that and aren't worried at all and I do love their support. I just wish I was getting more encouragement than all this fearful negative talk from the others I'm close to. I'm not naive I'm aware having a baby is hard but I believe in myself to know when to ask for help and keep me and the baby safe. I'm doing my best to help out around the house more and try to cook for myself so I'm not a burden or called lazy. I'm trying to stretch more and be active. But as soon as I have a hard fatigue day or days it seems like all that work is thrown out the window and they're worried about me again. And it's hard for me to stay strong with all this lack of faith in me. But I am trying. I am trying so hard. They keep pressuring me to find a hobby or play video games when I just do not have the energy for it.
I am doing just fine with getting outdoors, spending time with my family, and having meditation. I am aware of what's good for my mental health right now. And I wish they would just respect that. It's exhausting being asked all the time to play video games when I've communicated I don't have the energy for it right now. And I don't appreciate the guilt trips about it. I haven't played video games for seven years and this really isn't the best time to start my mind is always tired and I constantly forget things. I'm still struggling with depression and honestly, that has a lot to do with my lack of motivation. And it's not fair for them to constantly overlook that because “why would I be depressed”? It's not fair for them to say “what reason do you have to be tired” when I explain my emotional exhaustion. It makes me feel like maybe I'm just being selfish and need to try harder. But for the sake of my mental health I need to rest when I am tired and relax when my anxiety starts going and I just wish someone understood and didn't make me feel so guilty for being pregnant.
Tonight these thoughts are weighing on me as Im trying to make a plan to do better I just wanna be a good mom.
I'm going to keep trying. Keep doing my best despite the lack of faith that often surrounds me. And that in itself is hard but it's not just about me anymore and that is the only thing motivating me right now.

Anyway thanks for listening to my rant.
Please send good vibes and may all of you be well and staying strong in your own silent battles.

Hey, everyone. I hope you're all okay... I just need to vent a little. I hope that's alright...

I'm feeling a bit disheartened today. In the last 18months I've been exercising a hell of a lot more and really watching what I eat and drink. I feel pretty good for it and I'm steadily losing weight.

Recently I'd noticed that my vision has been getting worse - more blurry and quite a few more 'floaters' in my eyes. This morning I went to have my eyes tested. As expected, there was a change to my prescription. My astigmatism has worsened so I need a larger prism in my lenses.

Anyway, after he finished doing that part of the test, he looked at the back of my eye and told me that I have Background Diabetic Eye Disease. I know it's the early stages but I still feel really disappointed in myself. 😞😔

#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicPain #POTS #POTSUK #EDS #NAFLD #LiverDisease #Migraines #BPD #Depression #Anxiety #InterstitialCystitis #Diabetes #Vent #Advice

Have no idea why this is posting on my old account but here goes: I lost my medical assistance today which means I lost my therapist and psychiatrist. Since I use writing as a general coping mechanism, I'll probably be writing here a lot. I just need to rant and vent and get all these negative emotions out. I am so burnt out, stressed out and anxious beyond words. My mental health feels like it is spiraling and I'm just watching unable to do anything. Having to testify in court doesn't help either. I have to do that next Tuesday. That has been on my mind and negatively impacting me for a while now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel directionless. I am tired and not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. I'll find myself crying for no reason or the #PTSD will get triggered by the smallest things. I have that from being subjected to years of abuse both sexually and emotionally. The feelings I felt while being abused come up often and I don't know how to cope. I feel like I am going backwards in my healing. I am scared and worried that without mental health help I will fall back into a deep depression and fall back into suicidal thoughts and self harm. I've worked very hard to stay away from that. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I really don't. Yet all the skills I learned in therapy seem to go out the window when I'm in or nearly in crisis mode. I know I should practice self care right now but I'm just overwhelmed. Too stressed, anxious, scared, angry, sad, tired, burnt out in general to even care. I just need help to process all of this and I don't know where else to turn. I don't want to mess up everything I've worked to achieve. Yet I drown in feelings of guilt, shame, self hatred and self blame. I know I shouldn't but I do. I just need reassurance and hope but even that seems like too much. I don't know how much more of this I can take honestly. I just don't.

#CheckInWithMe #needhelp

This morning I found out suddenly that I lost my medical assistance because of my higher income. I am shopping around for medical insurance but I’m too anxious to focus. This was the last thing I needed to hear today. I have to testify in court on Tuesday and that has me worked up enough. I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ll cry for no reason sometimes. I’m so tired and not just physically. I can’t describe it. I don’t know what I’ll do until I find a new psychiatrist and new therapist. I kind of figured this would happen but I wasn’t expecting it today. I set up a therapy appointment for Wednesday which I might still be able to do I hope. If not, I’m afraid of what will happen. Therapy gave me a space to process my trauma. I don’t want to go back to life without medication. It was really bad. The medication is what helps me to manage most of my symptoms especially the Bipolar Disorder. I was in DBT therapy and that taught me a lot. I feel without these things that everything will fall apart again. I just need help and encouragement right now. I don’t mean to vent but this has been consuming me and I feel if I don’t talk about it I will start having self destructive thoughts again. I know there are crisis numbers I can call but I’m trying hard to avoid that. I’m trying to stick to a routine and stay positive about things but right now that seems nearly impossible. I appreciate any comments. I just feel so burnt out right now. Well that’s all for now. If you made it this far, thanks.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #EmotionalAbuse #Anxiety #MentalHealth #needhelp #WritingThroughIt #CheckInWithMe #ChildhoodAbuse #Vent

I know this isn't really a site for trauma dumping but I need to vent. My therapy sessions have been shortened and there is a chance that I may lose my therapist. This is creating anxiety that I don't need. My therapist told me that we will continue sessions until I hear of news of any changes. Therapy has helped tremendously as it gives me a safe and non judgmental space to talk about the trauma and abuse I survived and its aftereffects. Given that I therapy is one of the few things that makes me feel safe and validated, I don't want to lose it. Perhaps I'm too reliant on state paid therapy but it has been a life saver, literally. I am also on a plethora of medications to manage my mental health and the idea of losing that is frightening because I remember life before I was medicated, it wasn't good.

I know I should look at this as an opportunity to use my coping skills and to try to find new services but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I detest the fact that I was abused because it never should have happened. I know this isn't polite to say but the people that have hurt me can forget all about me. I've forgotten about them. The aftereffects of the trauma stretch far beyond mental illness. It has effected every area of my life and while I am working towards healing, I hate how it even happened to begin with. That I have to live with the effects of other people's choices.

I know life isn't fair but sometimes it really irks me. I try to be positive and productive but sometimes it doesn't work. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but sometimes it really gets me down that I went through what I did. I hate how the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral or a crying spell. I just want to live life without the confines of my past. Like they say, you can't change the past. It's this that bothers me. There are so many things that I wish were different but the reality is, they aren't. Reality acceptance is something I struggle with. I feel like I have come so far in my healing journey but sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards.

I just want to go on with my life without this crippling emotional and mental anguish. I suppose that's just what I have to do. I am grateful for so much but sometimes being grateful can't outweigh the pain I endure. I get really down sometimes and kinda angry because I there isn't much I can do about what I survived. I know I shouldn't live in the past and should enjoy the present but sometimes my past looms over me and I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do sometimes.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate it. This site and community have been a blessing. And I appreciate all of you. We are all warriors here. Stay safe and blessed.

-Anastasia

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #rant #help #Therapy